Saturday, June 22, 2013

Private Resort (1985)

Private Resort (1985)
Directed by George Bowers
Starring Johnny Depp, Rob Morrow, Emily Longstreth, Leslie Easterbrook, Hector Elizondo
Rated R

"Just ‘cuz some idiot gorilla with a gun hates our guts, we're not gonna let it ruin our weekend."

From the boner champ who brought us My Tutor, Private Resort is a quintessential 80’s T&A romp remarkable mostly because it stars two future somebodys in the leads: Johnny Depp and Rob “Guy from Northern ExposureMorrow. And also because you get to see glamazonian alpha-blonde Leslie Easterbrook (mostly) naked. Your brain is definitely not required to watch this one, so you can send it on some errands or something for the next 82 minutes. 

Private Resort opens with lots of ass, which is a good sign. Chasing some o' that ass? Jack (Depp, 22 but looking about 16) and Ben (Morrow), on a expensive weekend vacation. Oh, and a fat kid.  It's a pool party at a resort. A private resort! If you’re wondering what the tone of this movie is, in the first five minutes, the fat kid uses a fishing rod to snatch ladies’ bikini tops, and then gets chased around by a bumbling security guard with a greasy mustache. Boing!

Also at this resort, an eye popping Leslie Easterbrook as bouncing southern belle Bobby Sue. For whatever reason, she's hanging out with shifty Hector Elizondo. He's "The Maestro" and he's here to steal some old lady’s diamonds, or something. Intrigue!

Bobby Sue accidentally leaves her room key at the pool. Jack thinks she did it on purpose because she wants to bone him, so he strips naked and hides in her room like some kind of fucking maniac. Ben's there too. Instead of Bobby Sue, the goddamn Maestro shows up and assumes Ben is the barber. He is definitely not the barber. 

So while he's mangling Maestro’s head, Bobby Sue really does show up and slips into something extremely comfortable, i.e. a see through nightgown, and discovers a naked Jack in her closet! 

And then the real barber, an angry German dude, shows up! Holy fuck!

By the way, the story goes that Easterbrook told director George Bowers that she wasn’t getting naked for the scene, so he compromised and gave her the nightgown, promising her it wasn’t too sheer. It’s way too fuckin’ sheer. Nice one, Georgie boy!  Anyway, they get the fuck outta there and run....right into an all-girl aerobics class!  The 80's really were magical, weren't they?

Even though he's hiding under a table to avoid the Maestro, Ben manages to score a date with Patty (the elusive but alluring Emily Longstreth from American Drive In), the foxy blonde waitress at the pool bar. Nice work, Ben. 

Meanwhile Jack's in love with a rich blonde chick named Dana (Karyn OBryan) that he met in the aerobics class. But she'll only go out with guys her snooty grandma approves of, so he just tells the screwy old broad that he's a surgeon, and they're good to go. They arrange a double date with Dana and her cousin Shirley (crazy-eyed Hillary Shepard) who is some kinda lunatic in a turban. Ben wants out of the deal, especially since she doesn't even want to go out, but Jack gives him a bottle full of Quaaludes and tells him to feed a bunch to her and then go nuts. That is what we call 'date rape' these days.

Anyway, it turns out the old broad Maestro is here to rob is grandma. Maestro tries to put the moves on her on the dance floor, but she sees his fucked up haircut and laughs in his stupid face. 

Also, turns out Shirley is totally hot under the turban. We find this out when she gets completely naked and then makes Ben get naked, too. 

He figures this is his lucky day, but it turns out to be religious nonsense and she leaves him there with his boner flapping in the breeze. Naturally, this is exactly when grandma gets home! So he ends up tearing ass naked down the hallways (again), while grandma gulps down the Quaaludes, thinking they're aspirin.  And just when it looks like things couldn't go any wore for Ben, he somehow ends up in a bathtub with The Maestro! What a night of hijinks!

But fuck, in all the excitement, he ends up missing his date with Patty, who accepts a ride home from her asshole boss Scott (Michael Bowen AKA Tommy from Valley Girl). "I want you to know that this is not a date," she says. "Ok," he tells her, "but you never know what can happen." Sounds threatening to me.

Later on that night – of the next day, who the fuck knows - Andrew Dice Clay, of all fuckin' people, is at the bar trying to cheat on his drunk girlfriend. She tells him she gonna go bang the first guy he sees for revenge, so Jack takes her up on the offer. Because that's the way these things go, Dice ends up in the same hotel room with his new gal pal while his out-of-it girlfriend stumbles around, waiting to be discovered.

 It ends like every scene in this movie ends, with half naked people running and screaming down the hallway.

The next morning Ben decides he's had enough of all this nonsense and decides to go the fuck home, but then Patty convinces him to stay. Cue the goddamn love montage, including the obligatory bicycle rides and sunset make-out scene at the beach.

Because something’s gotta get us to the inevitable climactic pie fight, Maestro tries to get the diamond again, but it turns out grandma knows Kung Fu! But Maestro knows Gun Fu, so he wins. Well, he almost wins. He's on his way to easy street until he runs into Ben, who Maestro still thinks is a crazy barber, so he decides to kill him before he leaves. Ben dresses in drag to get away and Maestro and Dice molest him in an elevator, because they think he’s a hot chick, even though he is clearly Rob Morrow in a dress. Things get kinda crazy from there, prompting a line that has to be a high water mark in Elizondo's career: "You moron, that's a faggot barber and he's got my diamond in his tits!"

It should come as no surprise that the chase/fight continues in the women's locker room and culminates in a crowded restaurant with a machine gun that doesn't hit anything and a goddamn pie in the face and more old lady Kung fu and a dick joke. The end. 

Every 80’s sight gag you can think of is in here. Every one. Stoned surfer dude who pops in every once in a while to remark on the action? Check. Old lady doing things young people usually do? Check. Fat girl overeating gag? Check. Bumbling authority figures bested by wiseass kids? Check. Etc. I don’t think there’s one original scene in the whole goddamn movie. But it hardly matters – there are half or nearly naked blondes in almost every scene, and Depp and Morrow have great chemistry together. Its’ clear from even this that they both had potential to be stars. Bower keeps things moving at a furious pace, and there’s plenty of moments when the laughs and the cringes collide in perfect syncopation – it’s like the Lucy Show with silicone. Goodtimes, no hassles. I approve. 

- Ken 

Stacey says: This movie is cuckoo-cuckoo bananas!  Classic 80's fare. Loose plot, bikini babes, and every sight gag under the can see them coming before they even happen. Depp and Morrow make a great team. I'm not sure the film would be watchable without them. I actually favor Morrow over Depp in this one, probably because Depp's character is a douche, while Morrow's is actually sweet and grounded (as grounded as one could be in the midst of all the 80's antics.) Totally awesome 80's, Rumspringa-woo!

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