Starring Lizzy Borden, Beverly Lynn, Fernando Padilla
"I don't know where I ended up, but I'm their king now."
Try explaining that to a porn star, though. In particular, try explaining it to the jaw-dropping bombshell Lizzy Borden, who stars, however briefly, as Candy. Candy and her sister Cindy (Lynn) are the remarkably well-adjusted children of some shlub and a hysterical drag queen, who are leaving the two girls to fend for themselves for a day or two, so they can attend what has to be a very weird wedding. Normally, since I'm ball parking Borden and Lynn's ages at 24 and 28 respectively, this should not be a problem. They should be able to take care of themselves just fine. But there's nothing normal about this film, so Candy is either supposed to actually be about 10 years old, or perhaps just retarded. If it's the former, than the basketball- sized implants - probably the most cartoonish aspect of the entire movie- certainly give away the game. At any rate, Candy receives a mysterious "Terrortoons" DVD in the mail, and retreats to her room to watch it. Meanwhile, her older (ahem!) sister Cindy and a friend call up their dopey boyfriends and invite them over for some strip-Ouija.
While the overgrown teenagers get their groove on in the living room, Candy is enthralled with the strange cartoon. Foolishly, she chooses "Terrortoons Live" on the DVD menu, and after the strange and terrible story of Doc Carnage is explained (He created crazed gorilla Max Assassin from a lab monkey he stole and experimented on, and the two run amuck throughout the cartoon universe, indiscriminately killing everything they come across, in various slapsticky ways), Max and doc burst right through the screen and into the real world. Yikes.
Although "Terrortoons" does have it's limitations- Dr. Carnage and Max are played by guys in foam suits, after all, and look more "Banana Splits" than "Roger Rabbit"- but it wins big points on sheer audacity and gleefully mean spirited absurdity. I have piles of bukkake and spanking videos here, and this is still the most perverse thing I've seen in quite a while. If Walt Disney was a nihilistic, gas huffing, teenage punk rocker, this is exactly the movie he would have made.
- Ken McIntyre