Tuesday, September 11, 2012

We Are The Night (2010)

Directed by Dennis Gansel
Starring Karoline Hefurth, Nina Ross, Jennifer Ulrich, Anna Fischer
Not Rated
Germany 


“People fall apart so easily.”

Like me, you may be saying to yourself, “Just how many more fuckin' vampire movies can my overtaxed brain and strained eyeballs endure?” Well, the answer is at least one more.

Three sexy German vampires – one clearly still stuck in the 1920's, one a bubbly party girl, and the Ingrid Pitt-y leader of their cursed clan – lay siege to a jet on is way to Paris, draining passengers and stewardesses alike before tearing open a side-door and free-falling through the air.

Cue opening credits, as well as heightened expectations. With this decade's glut of tweenage vamps, it feels like a minor miracle to land on a bloodsucker epic with a novel approach to the well-worn subject.

Anyway, we then meet a scruffy, tomboy sneak-thief, Lena, who narrowly avoids getting popped by a good-guy cop named Tom before fucking off to a cavernous underground disco for a dance party hosted by – you guessed it – the toothsome trio. Head vamp Louise akes a shining to her – she's pretty sure Lena is her soul(less) mate – so she bites her.

It takes a good 15 or so minutes of meat-sucking and pimp killing, but eventually, after some kind of ceremonial bath, Lena accepts her fate. Also, they finally start dressing her like a girl, which is nice.


While all this is going on, Tom-the-cop is busy investigating a series of brutal crimes. Are they related to the vamps? Probably. They own a lot of sweet stuff. Like crazy-expensive cars. Louise gives Lena a Lamborghini and then takes them all shopping for diamond-encrusted  watches and whatnots. While browsing the aisles, Lena gets the skinny – they can eat people food for fun, fuck all they want without getting pregnant, do as many drugs as they want without getting hooked and drink their heads off without hangovers. Also, they killed all the boy vampires because they didn't want anyone telling them what to do.


So that's their trip, basically. Undead party girls. They're all terrible dancers, though. You think you' d figure that out after a couple hundred years.


Here's the problem, though. Turns out Lena's not into chicks, which really throws a monkey wrench into Louise's romantic plans. Also, Lena feels nostalgic and goes home to hug her mom and grab some stuff, and runs into Tom. He's fairly certain she's up to antics of some kind. Also, he's sorta into her. She  feels the same way. Too bad she's undead. They have coffee and exchange cute banter while Louise spies on them while hanging upside down on a building like Spiderman, quietly seething. Lena senses her lesbianic pal in the shadows and splits.

Later on, the girls have an impromptu pool party and end up snuffing a couple security guards. Up to this point, Lena was apparently unaware that they kill people for all that  blood she's been guzzling. She runs off and leaves Tom a message. He's on the case. Next thing you know, dozens of cops are storming the vamps' hotel!


Three of the girls barely escape in a hail of gunfire and deadly sun rays – one of 'em isn't quite so lucky – so they decide it high time they got the fuck out of Germany. The plan is to go wreak some havoc in Moscow, but with all the ill-will in their ranks, will they make it? Will they even live to see another sunset? And can Lena find love with a human cops now that she's an immortal monster?


Maybe. Seems unlikely, though.


I gotta tell you, I was pretty surprised by this one. It's flashy, fast-moving, and witty, and the girls are gorgeous. Not exactly ground-breaking stuff, but definitely worth a look.


- Ken McIntyre 

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