Episode Name: Cheerleaders
Directed by: Ines Glenn Starring: Samantha Phillips, Robert Vitelli, Sabrina Allen
“Rah rah rah, shish boom bah! Hit 'em in the head! Meet my friends!”
Having conquered the banks in the previous episode, new hotel owners Kat (Samantha Phillips) and Randy (Robert Vitelli) can get on with more important things. Like, for example, trying to beat the previous episode’s record of waiting only 1:30 before cramming in a sex scene. That’s a seriously tough ask, and one that lesser softcore sitcoms would crumble before even attempting. Let’s see how they go.
“Where the hell's my girlfriend?” says the following man.
Damn, dude. I don’t know. Losing your girlfriend is a real bummer though. Stick around - maybe we’ll find out.
Oh hey, look. There she is. About to have sex with Randy.
Eight seconds! Seriously nice work, Hot Springs Hotel. That’s getting your priorities in order. “I think my boyfriend's starting to suspect,” unnamed girlfriend says.
“Nah,” scoffs Randy.
They have the usual boring softcore-style sex, during which it becomes apparent that she has a particularly awful boob job.
Also, they’re having sex in front of a framed print of the painting ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’, which seems appropriate for two reasons:
a) as a garish ‘80s commercialised appropriation of Edward Hopper’s 1942 painting ‘Nighthawks’, it’s basically the artistic equivalent of a botched boob job.
b) appearing uncredited in a sex scene in Hot Springs Hotel probably isn’t the highlight of this girl’s life. Broken dreams indeed.
But anyway. Once that’s over and done with, it’s back to business. And this week, the hotel gets a visit from the Roadrunners’ Cheerleaders. They walk in already holding their pom poms, which seems fair. Also, every single one of them has pigtails.
They’re coached or fitness instructed or something by Kevin, who’s played by Jerry McNamara in his one and only acting role. Frankly, with his convincingly natural dialogue skills I’m surprised he didn’t get a spin-off series of his own.
Kat is pretty much immediately into him. This is the first time we’ve seen her express any interest in a guy, but to be fair there was only time for 16 minutes of plot in the last episode. It’s definitely her turn for a sex scene though, so you can bet that these two will be going at it soon.
But first, she needs to get some answers from Randy about this whole “first class health facility” and “special health meal” business. The health facility is the aerobics room, he explains. As for the meals, he goes to talk it over with Minnie (Sondra St Cyr, whose acting credits only extend as far as this show and one other film) in the kitchen.
She’s reading a book when he walks in. “I'm on chapter two,” she explains. “You know there are over forty different pots and pans? I liked bartending better.”
She received the special menu Randy provided, but notes that she’s going to have to make some substitutions.
The pause before “potatoes” cracks me up. You can actually see her trying to remember her line. Her lips even move. Terrific stuff. No time for retakes, we’ve got a softcore sitcom to produce!
Randy heads to the aerobics room, which looks more or less like a gym anyway, so I can’t quite work out Kat’s earlier problem. He’s attempting to fix one of the treadmills when cheerleader Marina (C.C. Costigan) walks up to point out it’s not plugged in.
Randy offers her a job as aerobics instructor based on this display of technical know-how. She accepts. Cheerleading doesn’t pay much, I guess, or maybe aerobics is a more prestigious position.
For some reason, Randy decides that he needs to get Kevin out of the hotel for the day, and he gets Kat to call and invite him out to shop for gym equipment. That leaves Randy alone with the girls, so he comes up with a few exercises for them.
Like ‘Jump From the Pool to Reach the Apple on a Stick’.
Like ‘Roll the Ball Between Yourself and Your Partner’.
“And hug your partner!” he says when it’s over, grabbing hold of big boobed partner Vicky (Sabrina Allen). “And feel their...heart beat.” Even the cheerleaders aren’t real convinced by that one.
Meanwhile, Kevin and Kat have finished shopping and are eating ice cream cones with a spoon, which seems like the most counterproductive thing ever.
Speaking of ice cream, Vicky’s been getting stuck into the supposed “tofu ice cream”, as well as the burgers and fries, and has a stomach ache. Randy finds her down by the pool and suggests that going back to his room might make her feel better.
She stands on the bed and performs a cheer, for some reason. “Rah rah rah, shish boom bah! Hit 'em in the head! Meet my friends!” It doesn’t rhyme or make sense, but Randy doesn’t really care.
Then they have sex. Fortunately, unlike Randy’s previous conquest, Vicky has awesome boobs. Randy even motorboats them a couple of times to show his appreciation.
Afterwards, Randy does a cheer of his own. “How does that go again? Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate? Kathy!”
“Vicky!” she complains.
“Okay,” Randy shrugs.
Randy drags Vicky and the rest of the girls to the bar, where they’re joined by Minnie and Theo (Marc Revivo). They begin on the tequila, but it’s not too long before Kat and Kevin arrive back.
Luckily, Lacey (Glori Gold) meets them out by the pool before they head inside to the bar themselves. “The bar’s closed,” she says. “We’re having a private party.”
“Of course,” says Kat, getting the hint. “We’re having a private party.” So the two of them get into the pool instead.
“I just love a sports man,” Kat says.
“I just love sports fans,” replies Kevin. Then they have sex.
While that’s going on, everyone else in inside getting tanked on tequila. There’s musak and crazy camera angles and so forth. Midway into the scene, Randy asks Donna (Vickie Vogel) if she would like to be the hotel’s lifeguard. “I could do that,” she says. Then there’s more dancing and crazy camera angles.
Next day, it’s time for Kevin and the team to leave. Well, what’s left of the team anyway. “I don't know what it is about this place,” he says. “I came with five girls, now I'm leaving with two.” He doesn’t seem to worried though. Oh well. I guess cheerleaders are pretty easy to come by.
But wait, didn’t Randy only offer two girls jobs? Well, turns out Vicky missed the ride back. “Oops,” she says.
“Hey you were great last night,” Randy tells her. “Where'd you learn to mix a drink like that?”
“High school!” she chirps in reply. Course. He offers her a job bartending.
Hot Springs Hotel seems to get dumber by the episode, which is saying something given that this is only episode 2. Good job, Hot Springs Hotel.
- Alistair Wallis