Starring Ruby Larocca, Jessica Alexandra Green, Steve Nebesni, and Bill Zebub
"I've been wounded and the only way to heal is to extract the sacred meal from your bowels."
The first time I heard of or saw Bill Zebub was in the kinda-real, kinda-not documentary S&man (pronounced Sandman). More than anything, I recall getting pretty upset by how director J.T. Petty tried relentlessly to make Mr. Zebub look like a complete idiot. Sure, take a dude who's been drinking all day and then tell him to make a movie on the spot. Of course it turned out bad.
Anyway, what he was up to didn't really seem to be of my interests, but as I heard more and more of him, particularly regarding his film Ravage the Scream Queen being banned in Canada for obscenity and for his continuous output concerning eroticized rape, I started to get a little curious; at least to the point that I figured I should check out one of these low-brow travesties - for journalistic purposes, of course.
Well, along came Zombiechrist (or Zombie Christ, depending on where you look), and my interest was piqued sufficiently enough to give Mr. Zebub a try. The trailer alone let me know that this was going to be more than just an exercise in depraved and viscous sexual assault made for depraved and viscous sexual assault enthusiasts, so it had that much going for it at least.
and turkey drumstick vagina spelunking:
The story itself pretty much goes like this: A butt-rock druid cult in Kashmir, India does a ritual to resurrect Jesus and use him to destroy the remaining bloodline of Himself and issue in the New Age of something-or-other. But most importantly, the ritual involves naked chicks dancing around all hippie-like for over 5 minutes.
After Zombiechrist is risen, he awkwardly hobbles around the world violating and killing his peeps (who for the most part just happen to be really hot, completely naked women) with his laser Messiah eyes.
The only potential victim to be privy of this whole Zombiechrist hoopla is the coincidentally named (and rightfully skeptical) Mary (Jessica Alexandra Green):
who fortunately has a super intense religious scholar dude (Steve Nebesni):
...to protect her from the post-maturely excavated Prince of Peace.
Touted as "the most blasphemous story ever told" (and if you're a normal human or a believer in the modern mythology, you're probably not gonna wanna watch this), Zombie Christ tries hard to offend, but more often than not, it's more likely you'll be shaking your head and smiling for the fact that this thing actually made it from idea to reality. But, if you like sexy naked ladies, irreverent scenes of offensive ridiculousness (all of which are handled in an extremely silly (and occasionally poorly CGI'ed manner) or vulgar displays of slow motion butt-rock kung-fu, this is a high recommend.
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- Jeremy Vaca