Starring Barbara Ann Moore, Anastasia Rova, Avrey Masters
“So, do any of you girls like to sleep with big time TV game show hosts?”
There’s something a bit special about ‘90s sex comedies. Yeah, the decade was pretty much uniformly awful, but there’s a certain flair to the sex comedies produced then that’s really quite distinctive. They lack the innocence of ‘70s and ‘80s sex comedies, but make up for it with a certain kind of batshit charm: fluorescent bikinis, ridiculous hair, and some of the all time stupidest fake breasts ever. Repulsive and irresistible all at once. There’s plenty of all those things in Wild Malibu Weekend, you’ll be pleased to hear. The film was produced and its story written by Jason Williams, of Flesh Gordon and Cheerleaders Wild Weekend fame. It was then scripted by Gregory Poirier, who then went on to write Lion King 2 and National Treasure 2. So that’s kinda weird.
Also, I’m fairly certain the director, Kelly Gordon, doesn’t exist, as he/she has no other credits whatsoever. I’m almost equally sure that Williams directed it, given the surname Gordon, and the fact that he plays a director within the film itself. Maybe someone out there knows for sure.
Williams even opens the film, with a lengthy, William Castle/Reefer Madness style warning: “Bikinimania,” he warns us, “is real.”
During the title sequence, flyers are handed out to girls on beaches, presumably all over the United States. And the world. Or whatever. We only see one, but it’s strongly suggested that there’s numerous girls receiving them and entering, to be then whittled down to a field of just 10 for the actual TV show.
Once that’s over, we’re introduced to a few of those in the group. First up is Susan Mikka (Anastasia Rova, in her only film role). She’s a struggling actress, who has accepted a part in a play the wardrobe manager describes as “a musical comedy with deep social significance and commentary on the state of our society today”.
Mostly though, it just means the girls wear fake plastic breasts and underwear with fake pink pubic hair, then dance around on stage. Profound.
Next, we meet the first of the contestants actually on their way to the contest. There’s country girl Mary Johnson (Playboy Playmate Barbara Ann Moore, who goes to bizarre lengths not to show her boobs once in the entire film) and silicon-boobed Kelly Johnson (Kathy Pasmore) – no relation. After a short limo drive, they end up at the mansion all the girls are staying at, where the butler meets them at the front door. “Wow,” chirps Mary, “this place is keen!”
Unfortunately, the contest organisers haven’t clued in to the fact that the two aren’t related, and have put them in the same room. And the same bed. “C'mon, it'll be fun,” says Mary. “It'll be like a slumber party.”
“Keen,” sneers Kelly.
The two head up to their room, but on the way they run into Cliff Diver (David Salas Power in his only film role), a friend of the producer who’s there to act as chaperone. And also to act sleazy.
Eventually they shake him off and start talking about the competition. Not only is the prize $10,000, but there’s also a film role in it for the winner. Kelly’s reluctant to say anything more than she feels she has to win, but Mary’s quite willing to ramble on for some time about her motives.
Her grandmother wanted to be an actress, back in the ‘40s. “Now Granny's sick,” she sighs. She'll probably go home to Jesus soon.” By winning and becoming an actress, she hopes to fulfil her grandmother’s dream. Or something.
Finally, we meet the last two: Valley girls Gina Roberts (Karli Allen) and Natalie Woodman (Shauna O’Brien, aka Penthouse Pet Stevie Jean). They’re on the beach, where Gina runs an absurdly long distance with a cupped handful of water to splash on Natalie’s back.
“Ow,” says Natalie. “What are you doing?!”
Later, over lunch out on the balcony of the mansion, Cliff explains to a couple of the girls that he might be able to help them out with the contest. That is, if they’re willing to help him out later that night in his bedroom. Gina’s not real into the idea, but Kelly’s desperate enough to win that she’s entertaining the idea. And gives him a sexy look.
Meanwhile, Susan gets a call from her agent, who tells her about the contest. She’s unsure until she hears about the film role. I guess for some reason she gets to avoid the selection stage all the other girls have gone through. Or something.
Anyway, they all turn up at the studio, and end up in makeup with the show’s host, Marvelous Marv Thomas (Avrey Masters, in his only film role). “So,” he asks casually, “do any of you girls like to sleep with big time TV game show hosts?”
No response. The director of the show, Jeff Watts (as mentioned, Jason Williams) comes into the room. “This little sand crab trying to get you into bed?” he asks.
Then, everyone moves out to the stage, and it’s time to start ‘Bikini Showdown’!
Turns out, according to the credits, that’s not even The Ultramatics playing that song – it’s The Jeff Juliano Project. We hear a couple of Ultramatics originals later, and they sound exactly like you’d expect. In fact, turns out the singer is still going with totally bland rockabilly to this day.
Anyway, it’s time to meet the rest of the contestants. The ones we’ve already met are lined up first, which probably gives you an idea of exactly who’s going to do well, but never mind.
There’s also Tommie (Thomasina C. Ciela), non-English speaking Venezuelan Rosa (Claudia Taz), Dani (Dani Shore), token Swede Gunilla (Gunilla Dahlgren) and Joanie (Nikki Swanson). And out of all of them, only Dani ever had another film role. Beginning to notice a pattern here?
Also, Marv continues with his terrible lines and wheezy laughter too. It’s pretty grating after, oh, about a minute. Time for the first round, though: a game called shakedown. Each girl has numerous poker chips pressed onto her body, and then has to shake them off.
It’s not really clear who wins, but it’s probably not important so they just get on with the next game: musical chairs.
At one point Rosa scrambles for a chair and lands on Kelly’s lap. It’s pretty clear the scripting in this section is somewhat limited, because she falls off awkwardly.
Yikes. Anyway, Mary wins and it’s time for a song by The Ultramatics. Actually by The Ultramatics this time, too. Gina, Tommie and Natalie get up and dance with them.
Then it’s back to the games. This time they play “romp ‘n’ stomp”, in which the girls have a balloon attached to each foot, and have to attempt to burst the other girls’ balloons.
Natalie wins that one, and then it’s time for the final game of the episode: a limbo contest.
Natalie wins that one too, and Marv asks Mary why she didn’t do so well. “Well, gee willickers Marv, I don't know what happened,” she says. “I practised a lot with the hitching post back at the farm.”
So that’s the first round, and you can probably guess who doesn’t make it through to the final. Yeah, the girls last in the line who weren’t featured in the actual story.
The finalists go back to their dressing room (complete with Flesh Gordon poster) and talk about what they’ll spend their prize money on if they win. Well, all except for Kelly, who still won’t answer. “Who cares? It's none of your business anyway,” she says, and storms out.
Back at the mansion, Susan is busted practicing awards speeches by mansion owner and show producer Griffin Godfrey (Alan Roman in his only role ever). He takes a bit of a shine to her, and kind of maybe propositions her, but she shuts him down immediately, telling him she only wants roles for her talent.
Then there’s a party. The Ultramatics play some songs, and Natalie and Kelly discuss who they’d sleep with. “That's easy girlfriend,” Kelly explains. “You start with the lead singer, and you end with the drummer.” That’s true and also a good lesson.
Toward the end of the party, Kelly ends up back in Cliff’s room. “I'm really glad I could help you out like this,” he says. “Now I'm gonna give you something you'll never forget.” Then he climbs on top of her and pumps away for five seconds or so.
Kelly asks him what the events are for the next day so she can get an advantage. “They pick 'em from a hat,” he shrugs.
She storms out and heads back to her room, where Mary is. Finally, she explains why she needs the money. “My dad gambles. He owes some pretty serious people, and if I don't come up with the money, they're gonna hurt him real bad.”
Next day, they all head to the studio for the final rounds of the game show. Before Susan can head out though, Griffin shows up again and says he was impressed by her the day before. Then he grins in a really disconcerting manner.
There’s some more events, including put the condom on a cucumber.
And spray each other with water pistols while wearing whipped cream.
Who wins? Well, you’ll have to see it yourself.
Suffice to say, it doesn’t really matter. Hell, let’s be honest, none of the plot really matters. The important part is, it’s movie about a completely insane boob and bikini filled game show, with laughs and a terrible host and a rockabilly band and cute girls.
If it was on TV, you’d watch it every single week. It’s not and probably never will be, so it’s just as well someone made a movie about it.
- Alistair Wallis