Starring Xuxa Meneghel, Xuxo the dog, and Xixo the caterpillar-penis
"Which road should I choose? Darkness or Sclerosis?"
Xuxa Meneghal was a fledgling model/B-actress who lucked into a kid's TV hosting gig in the mid 1980's and became one of Brazil's many national obsessions, hovering somewhere between soccer and transsexual porn. Naturally, her TV-bound kiddie fame would eventually cross over into motion pictures, and thusly we arrive at 1988's Super Xuxa Versus Satan, a preachy, environmentally conscious message movie disguised as highly hallucinogenic, semi-retarded children's fare. Which, in turn, is a disguise for what it really is: a boner movie.
I don't know where this is supposed to take place. I mean, somewhere in Brazil, clearly, but some neon-colored cartoon Brazil-ish burg made up primarily of cardboard and spraypaint. The devil's "Down Mood" has permeated this accursed city, turning citizens against each other in violent struggles. Shitty City, I guess we could call it.
Into this ugly brown-town rides bouncy blonde enchantress Xuxa on her gleaming white bicycle. With her puppet dog Xuxo slobbering happily away on the back of the bike, the hotpants-sporting TV host tosses paintbrushes to the local children, and they immediately get to work paining the entire town in bright, sunshiny splashes of color, elevating moods and messing up the devil's work pretty good.
Seeing as this is 1988 - pre Google - news doesn't travel as fast as we're used to.The devil, at this point, is still pretty happy with himself. Watching the nightly news down in the bowels of Hades with his two toady sidekicks (including one deadringer for goblin-nosed darkwave nerd Mortiis), El Beezelbub chortles away as the news anchor reports on all the rampant death and destruction happening topside. But then they cut to Xuxa and her mural project, and all the fuckin' peace and happiness that's spreading over the populace as a result. And he does not like what he sees.
Surely you must know, Xuxa, that this means war.
Beat from her day of frolic and merriment, Xuxa returns home to her sparkling white apartment. While she prepares her dog's dinner, the devil shows up and snatches the pup, dragging him down to Hell with him, where he tortures the mutt with a cookie on a string.
Xuxa is perplexed about her missing dog, but figures a nap is in order before she makes any sudden moves. She has a bed with big foamy arms that come to life and wrap around her when she climbs into it. And then it sings her to sleep. It's super creepy, especially when it starts gently rocking her back and forth and Xuxa coos in sweet, pseudo-erotic slumber. Good thing that bed doesn't have fingers. Who knows where they'd end up.
The devil finds the meanest kid in the world - Rafa - and brings him down to hell to be his apprentice. The kid is covered in filth and slime and forced into manual labor. Dunno why. Meanwhile, a gang of punk rock motorcycle maniacs drive through a fast food restaurant, terrifying the patrons and destroying the joint. Also dunno why.
Xuxa jumps through the TV screen and ends up in hell, so she decides to go find her dog. She runs into a caterpillar who tells her that "Size doesn't matter" (that's a relief!) and then vomits a rainbow on her fingernail. For protection, I think. And then they do a dance where Xuxa lifts her leg over her head.
While she's cavorting with the animated phallus, the devil's henchman are asking the boss if they can torture the dog a little.
"You've already poisoned the milk of the starving children?" He asks.
They have. He tells them they can give the dog fleas.
This is some fucked-up kid's movie.
Xuxa, meanwhile, ends up tromping through the desert, which makes her very hot and sweaty. So she takes off some clothes.
Later on, she makes it to the beach, where she runs into a pink dolphin that's been caught in a net. He's worried about getting his eyes plucked out. Xuxa frees him, and then she rides the big pink dolphin to safety.
Did you get that? She rides a BIG PINK DOLPHIN.
So, anyway. Xuxa and her hotpants have many exciting adventures - and she sings many ear-gouging songs - until finally she faces off against evil. At first, the devil bests our plucky heroine, and turns her into an evil, Courtney Love-esque hag!
"A bad person like you has only one exit", he tells her. That sounds dirty to me.
But then she shoots a rainbow at him. The devil hates rainbows.
And then everybody "comes" with Xuxa. The end.
I am assuming she got her dog back, too. I was pretty woozy by the end.
As a musical, Super Xuxa VS. Satan is awful. The songs are tuneless and clang-y, and everybody looks miserable during the dance numbers. As a kid's movie...well, that one's hard to say. I guess it depends on how much Ritalin said kid is gobbling everyday. I imagine most children would stare quizzically at it for five minutes and then wander off to find something more sensible to do. But as a bug-fuck crazy, 3AM mind-fryer? Well, in that case, it's a masterpiece. The goofy subtitles are senseless, making a bizarre story even weirder, the political and environmental concerns seem wildly out of place - as does Xuxa's skimpy outfit - and the sexual innuendos are so rampant that they can't possibly be accidental. Maybe there's just a serious cultural disconnect here, but this does not look like the work of sane individuals. More Pervirella than Sesame Street, Super Xuxa is cheap, senseless, and potentially brain-damaging.
Highly recommended, obviously.
PS: Xuxa is still going strong. And yes, search around, and you can find naked pictures of her.
Clip: the entire film is available on Youtube. Here's a high-kicking taste of the delights that await you.
- Ken McIntyre