Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing (2004)

Starring Darian Caine, Erika Smith, AJ Kahn, Isadora Edison, Andrea Davis
Directed by Max Von Diesel
Unrated
USA

"Say...do you like boys?"

Without a doubt, this is the perviest Seduction Cinema lesbofest I've seen since the crazed Witches of Sappho Salon (which, admittedly, wasn't a thousand years ago, but still). I mean, there's always a nipple nuzzle or tongue tango around the corner in these flicks, but this one, Christ, it's wall to wall. And here's the really weird/good part: if you took out all the softball girl-girl sex, you'd still have a funny, well-acted, entertaining little film. It'd only be about 7 minutes long, but it'd be good.

As the runaway cult success (well, relatively speaking) of Angela Bettis in May ably illustrates, spazzy girls are in, and they don't come much spazzier than uber nerd girl Erika Smith. Hot on the heels of her starlet-making turn as a half-blind stripper in EI's big bug movie Bite Me!, Ericka reprises her patented geek-chic shtick as Willimena Van Helsing, great-great-grand daughter of Dracula's famous un-doer. The part of the story that is yet untold, however, involves the elder Van Helsing's brush with Dracoola, (foxy Darian Caine), a lusty busty vampiress who bit VH in his ass a cuppla hundred years back, resulting in a prolonged, bitter ghost-hood.

It is after a goofy late night BLT binge at the local diner with exotic cutie AJ Khan that Erika finds herself tromping alone and confused (does she like girls instead of boys? Yep) through the local cemetery. Suddenly, great Uncle Van Helsing, sporting ratty threads and a face fulla blue goo, appears to his young niece and lets her know she's got a revenge-fueled destiny to fulfill.

And that is pretty much where the plot dissipates into a sleazy, Isadora Edison-drenched orgy of girl on girl mayhem. Isadora, wearing nothing but a leafy tiara and a landing strip, appears in Erika Smith's fevered imagination as some sort of Sapphic earth-mother-goddess, gettin' licked all over by Misty Mundae and AK Khan in a foggy softcore scene that seems to last for hours onscreen, but was probably an even longer ordeal for the girls.

Later on, there's a pretty graphic - and completely gratuitous- scene of Izzy with her hands jammed down her black panties, furiously jilling off while the ass-bit Van Helsing demon dude peeks on. Even later, she's dressed in skin tight hotpants and the top half of a police uniform, her face covered in pink frosting and her tongue somewhere deep inside real life porn star Tatiana Stone.

Finally, she appears in a climactic 4 (5? 6?) way lesbo freak-for-all at the funeral home, where Willimena finally accepts her sexuality and her lineage, Dracoola finally gets hers (in the end, natch), and the rest of the girls get plenty of theirs, as well.

I know, it sounds like I'm skipping a lot, but I'm not. Erika and Darian engage in a battle of half-wits, Dead Van Helsing cracks a few corny jokes, and the very funny Andrea Davis has a brief cameo as a dominatrix with a taste for older men. But mostly, it's hot girl on girl action, daddy-o.

It's up to you how you want to watch this one, man, pants on or off. I have so far tried both with equally positive results.

- Ken McIntyre

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