Monday, December 7, 2009

Frat Party (2009)

Directed by Robert Bennett
Starring Randy Wayne, Caroline D'Amore, Jesse Jane

"Treat her like a piggy bank and put things inside her!"

Robert Bennett has the best day job ever. He produces and directs a cable TV series called Get Out that follows a bunch of hot chicks to a different city every week and films them while they do hot chick stuff. That would certainly keep me busy enough, but Bennett found some time between room service and suntan lotion slathering to write, direct, and produce this breezy college comedy. Clearly, given the absurd amount of times he appears on the credits, Frat Party is both a labor of love and a singular vision, one that has haunted/compelled Robert for years, perhaps decades. So let us step gingerly into the daydreams-become-flesh of Mr. Bennett, and take a quick look around.

Duffy (Randy Wayne, Dukes of Hazzard, the Beginning) is the coolest dude in school. I'm not sure how this is possible, since he has a Hanson haircut and he wears a backpack, but ok. He is not only the star of this film, he is also the onscreen narrator, and he begins his tawdry tale with all the girls he's banged over the past few semesters, girls like Sandy Waves ("She was like a mermaid"), Ivana Humpalotski (the way more awesomely named Jasna Novosel), Chloe and Katy, the incestuous lesbian twins, and one of his teachers, Miss Beaubier (Erica Day).
Here, I think you have to sample some of this witty dialogue:
"This class is just so hard."
"Oh really? It's just so hard?"
"Really hard. And it's getting harder."
"Do you want to take some stress off from...from that hardness?"
However, his sports-fucking days are about to come to an end. It's the last week of school, and as soon as he graduates, he's marrying his one true love, Adriana (Caroline D'Amore, Sorority Row), a debutante from a wealthy, vineyard-owning Italian family. So what's the conflict? Well, it turns out Adriana's dad has scheduled the wedding the day after Duffy's last blow-out frat party, and lord knows, he'll be in no shape to marry anybody the morning after his last blast with his fraternity bros.

So, can he Frat Party his balls off and still catch a red eye to Napa the next morning to make his wedding? If your answer is "Who gives a fuck?" - and it probably should be- than Frat Party is not for you. But if you somehow identify with Mr. Wonderful here, you'll want to see how it all pans out.

You may be asking, at this point, if Duffy has a fat, outgoing, loudmouth buddy? He does. His name is Mac (the fussily named Jareb Dauplaise), and, just so you know how nuts he is, five minutes after we meet him, he gets a massage-with-happy-ending and spews about a gallon of man-goo, most of which ends up splattered all over his own face and chest. He's bananas, this Mac.

Adriana jets to Napa to prepare for her wedding. Also to ride horses and play tennis. Along for the festivities are her skinny, conniving sister Michela (Katerina Mikailenko), her ex-boyfriend Stefano (Robert Parks-Valletta), and her dad, Bergamotti (Carl Bressler, stumbling through the worst Italian accent ever). Dad hates Duff (join the club) and hopes Adriana will get back together with Stefano before he gets there. So that's happening. Also, Stefano's banging-both-sisters status at least affords us with the sweet sight of Mikailenko's perfectly-formed backside.

Meanwhile, the Frat Party promised in the title is now raging. There's strip beer pong, some terrible femme-fronted band, a lapdance room, and another room where girls get photographed in their bikinis by a guy named Pablo (?). Also, Mac and Duffy's other pal Chad (Dan Levy) both chipped in to hire porn star Jesse Jane as a bachelor party present for the Duffster. Jesse comes on pretty strong, but Duffy rejects her advances because he cannot cheat on his fiancé. And also, perhaps, because Jesse's big fake boobs look a little like rotting melons.

Now, how about some intrigue? Bergamotti puts asshole Stefano on a plane and sends him to the frat party to spy on Duffy. In retaliation, Duffy hooks Stefano up with his ex-girlfriend Jennifer (Alicia Zeigler), a dominatrix who has set up shop in the fraternity's makeshift 'sex dungeon'. But dude, it totally backfires. Jenn's in on it with Stefano. She shackles and gags Duffy, and then they both leave him there in the cellar to rot. He suffocates, and they find his naked, moldering body down there two weeks later.

Not really. He doesn't die. They do leave him there all night, though.

It's up to Mac to drive them all night to get to the church on time. Unfortunately, he keeps blacking out and dreaming about fucking Jesse Jane in the shower, so it's a pretty iffy endeavor.

To its credit, Frat Party takes a few unexpected twists and turns before it reaches its inevitable conclusion. However, for a film that aims to ape classic 80's teen sex coms, it's a pretty joyless affair, littered with impossible-to-like characters that you'll feel zero empathy with or sympathy for. Even the jilted bride is a jerk. There really is no underdog to root for in this movie, just a bunch of mopey alphadogs with expensive shoes. So what's left? Tits. There's a lot of them on display here, and they are all attached to some very pretty women. There's also the novelty of seeing disco-porn queen Jesse Jane in a non-fuck role. Will that be enough to satiate your boner-popping needs for 85 minutes?

For Frat Party's sake, let's hope so.

Anchor Bay's release comes jam-packed with bonus features, including slow-motion booby-bouncing (!) and behind-the-scenes footage of Jesse Jane.

- Ken McIntyre


  1. I had dismissed this one but thanks to your review, looks like there is enough T&A (my main criteria in what makes a watchable flick) to give it a try. Thanks!

  2. Huh. Somehow, Cory walked away from that review deciding that the movie was worth watching. I... would not have guessed that. --Roel

  3. It's all in what you're looking for, I reckon.


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