Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Mummy's Kiss (2003)

Directed by Donald Glut
Starring Sasha Peralta, Ava Niche, Aysia Lee, Katie Lohman

"What am I doing on the floor?"

Glut-mania continues unabated here at MAG headquarters.

I don't think there were any women in the room when this flick got the greenlight, because this is exactly the kind of movie guys want to see, make, and write about. I mean, if you're gonna make a creaky old mummy movie, why not make the mummy a super-hot lesbian? And why not make it part of her resurrection ritual that she has to make out with other hot chicks, to turn them into her topless slaves? And why not make her long lost love the foxiest chick in the school that houses her sarcophagus, a chick prone to strutting around the hallways in black mini-skirts and goth chick make-up, looking earnest and hungry? Sold. I wouldn't be able to write the check fast enough.

Mummy's Kiss takes place at a nondescript college graced with more hot girls in slutty outfits than a Playboy video open audition. They all assemble in an ancient Egyptian history class, thanks to hunky young professor Moore (George Thomas), whom they all attempt seducing, since they're too dumb to actually pass the class by studying.

Despite all the topless come-ons, Moore remains true to his star pupil and fiance Anna (Peralta), who also happens to be the niece of famed local Egyptologist Dr. Harwa (Richard Lynch). The good doctor has recently secured a priceless collection of Egyptian artifacts, including the final resting place of an evil, Sapphic sorceress, Hor-Shep-Sut (Niche), which he keeps stored in the college warehouse.

As often happens in such scenarios, a bumbling security guard unwittingly brings the mummy back to life, and when she sucks out his life-essence with a kiss, she transforms back into her original form, a dark haired Hustler model with enormous implants.

Now free to walk amongst the mortals, Horshep chances upon Anna, and realizes that she's actually the reincarnated form of her former lover, Princess Hat-Em-Ahkat. How will she win back her one true love, stolen from her by the ages? Well, her heart got ripped out by the Pharoah's henchmen a few year back. Otherwise, her Penthouse pet muse ISIS (Lohman) tells her it's as simple as trading spit with a few willing nubiles, and the deed is done.

But what about Professor Moore? Will he let his bride-to-be get seduced by the chesty witch, and run straight into the arms of his other, equally sexy assistant Tina (Lee)? And if so, will the Princess and her sorceress finally be free to enjoy their forbidden love for another 5,000 years? Only one way to find out, Jack.

Ok, so the mummy FX are as cheesy as they come, and the acting- particularly in the case of the terminally stilted Niche- is clunky, at best. The script is also as dry as the desert from which Horshep came. But so what? Virtually every one of the fetching female leads gets topless at some point, and they all end up licking each other's nipples in various brief, but righteous, lesbian scenes somewhere in the meandering story.

Given that the sub-sug-genre is pretty tiny, I am going to go ahead and call Mummy's Kiss the Citizen Kane of softcore lesbian mummy movies. A sequel arrived soon afterward. It had mummies and lesbians, too.

- Ken McIntyre

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