Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood (2004)

Directed by Donald F. Glut
Starring Glori-Anne Gilbert, Kennedy Johnson, Jana Thompson
Unrated
USA

"This totally sucks."

Given Mr. Glut's impressive resume in both lesbian-centric softcore and bonk-heavy cartoons, it makes complete sense that he'd create a film like this. Countess Dracula does, in fact, have more than its fair share of girl-on-girl groping, but unlike many of the films in this micro-genre, he does not simply wedge flimsy plot elements between all the Sapphic lusting. In fact, he does just the opposite: he wedges flimsy sex scenes into a creaky Scooby Doo-ish script about goofy, self-loathing vampires.

As our terrible tale begins, a snappily-dressed guy is sitting there by the fire during the old timey days (exactly when is anybody's guess - the set design and costumes have a very porn movie-esque kind of vibe) while his sister, Roxanne (Kennedy Johnson), gently slumbers in the next room. At least, that's what he thinks. There's actually sexy evil going on in there. Out of a puff of smoke, a bosomy, befanged fiend named Diana (Glori-Anne Gilbert, Lusty Busty Babe-a-Que), appears. Sis looks happy to see her. They embrace and make passionatevamp-on-girl love together until the wicked monstress sinks her canines into Roxanne's neck. By the time old-timey bro realizes something is wrong, it's too late. He rushes into the room to find that his sister has disappeared. All that's left is bloody sheets.

The man rushes over to see the local priest, Padre Jacinto (Spanish horror movie legend Paul Naschy) and tells him what happened. Jumping to conclusions, they decide it was the work of a vampire. The priest tossed various vamp-killing devices into his overnight bag, and away they go.

Clearly, the guy picked the right sideman for the gig, because they find the busty vampire in her murky lair almost immediately. They stake her in the heart, and she melts into mush. The end.

No, wait. Then he stakes another dude who looks a little like Foster Brooks. That guy melts, too.

We then meet Renfield (Dark Delicacies bookstore owner Del Howison). He looks like a member of Crosby Stills and Nash. He snacks on a bowlful of bugs while reading Scary Monsters magazine and watching Count Gore Devol on TV. So, they were seriously baiting the monster nerd crowd right there. Also, we are now in modern times. There was no Scary Monsters magazine in 1904.

Cut to: Dracula (Tony Clay), who encourages his top-heavy, half-naked friend Valerie (gorgeous Jana Thompson) to dance suggestively for him. She does, and it is indeed pretty awesome, as is the goth-Doobies-Bowie mash-up song that plays while she gyrates.

Fun time is over, however, when the Count summons his daughter Martine (Eyana Barsky) and Renfield and gives them a grim assignment. They are to locate his old pal Lord Ruthven's remains, and bring him back to "Undeath". They head out and creepy crawl to the graveyard.

Turns out Lord Ruthven (Arthur Roberts) is the Foster Brooks guy from the opening scene. Renfield yanks the knife out of his chest, and he comes back to life. Undeath. Whatevs. As soon as he shakes off the cobwebs, he starts yapping about the good old days. He tells a story about a girl he met in the village, named Roxanne. He fell in love with her, and decided to give her eternal life, but Diane (the blondie vamp from the beginning) wanted her as well, and blah, blah, blah. Martine stops him mid-blather and hands him the Vampire Bible. And then they split.

Lord Ruthven goes outside and delivers some Shatner-esque word jazz under the light of the moon. That was unexpected.

When he's finished, he heads downtown and picks up a hooker named Lilith (bondage-babe Lolana). He gets her in alley and tries to vamp her, but halfway through he gets sick, and blood spurts out of his eyeballs. The girl gets away and as he's reeling around the alley, clutching his guts, he sees a vision of the priest, telling him he needs to get back into his coffin, pronto.

He staggers back to his crypt and checks the vampire bible, which tells him that the only way a once-staked old fool like him can feed is if the blood has already passed through the veins of another vampire. So he revives his sister Diana, who wastes no time getting back to the two things she likes best: pussy and blood-gulping. She heads down to the local strip club to scope out dinner.

She picks the same girl that her brother tried to nibble on, Lilith. Diana follows her home, killing her suitcase pimp/stalker Mal (Jason Peters) along the way. She gets into Lillith's apartment and they make sweet lesbianic love together. And then she bites her. That dirty business done,
Diana returns to the crypt with her new sex/blood slave. Lord Ruthven complains about how hungry he is, so Diane uses her fingernail to jab her basketball-sized breast, causing a trickle of blood to pour into a goblet. Mr Fancypants seems to enjoy it quite a bit.

Meanwhile, Roxanne - the reincarnated version - is living a quiet life as a lipstick lesbian. She takes a hot tub with her girlfriend (Belinda Gavin, Bikini Chain Gang), and then they make sweet bubbly-water love.

And then - as if Lord Fauntleroy wasn't already annoying enough - he takes up the pipe organ. He also is finally strong enough to hunt again, so he goes out in search of Roxanne. Unfortunately, Diane's already found her and whisked her away. Lord Ruthven tries to make the best of it by biting Roxy's girlfriend, but it's just not the same, man.

Back at ye olde castle, where Valerie is serving her master his nightly glass of blood. He thinks Diane and Lord Fuckface have been causing too much of a ruckus, so, he dispatches Martine and Renfield to pay them a visit and tell them to knock it off.

He does have a point. At that very moment, yet another ruckus is underway. Diane's brought a woozy Roxanne back to the crypt. She has Lilith hold Lord Pirate Shirt back with a crucifix while she taunts him about how she plans on turning his precious Roxanne into her love slave. They're both a couple of real fuckin' assholes, these two. So, she turns Roxanne, but then Ruthven stakes Diana, and she dissolves into goo.

Roxanne wakes up, now sporting fangs. She demands to know where Diana is. She makes these demands in a hilarious death metal growl.

And then? And then a lesbian three-way, of course!

Although the script is severely lacking in the punchy, self-aware lines you'd expect from a live-action cartoon (a couple obvious, groan-worthy pop culture references notwithstanding), Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood still provides plenty of (very) cheap thrills.

Perennial character actor Arthur Roberts is a howl as the stuffy Ruthven. His upper-crusty demeanor comes off like a bottom-shelf Vincent Price slowly drowning in a sea of cheese.

Boob queen Gilbert's on-again off-again accent and heavy metal stripper outfits never cease to astonish and bewilder, and the up-for-it cast of topless vamps and local yokels give the whole affair a loosey-goosey, mid 80's, shot-on-video vibe. There's some real talent behind this one, as well. Exploitation/porn legend Gary Graver shot it, 80s' goo-god John Carl Buechler did the impressive vamp meltdowns, and Don Glut...well, you just can't argue with the guy who directed Dinosaur Valley Girls. Fun stuff.

Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood is available from Amazon, or you can buy it directly from Frontline Films.

Clip: Hooker Vs Vamp. Vamp wins.



-Ken McIntyre

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