Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Pervert! (2005)

Directed by Jonathon Yudis
Starring Mary Carey, Sally Jean, Juliette Clarke

"You try living in a trailer park with nothing but dust mites and Lithuanians, college boy."

Pervert!, much like Operation Pussycat (2004) and Faster Pussycat, Fuck Fuck! (2005), was part of a mini-wave of mid 00's Russ Meyer tributes. Clearly inspired by Meyer's '65 tour de force Faster Pussycat, Kill Kill!, Pervert! takes Pussycat's basic set-up - crusty old desert-bound coot with a secret meets a trio of busty vixens who fuck him up but good - and toss an 80's splatter-com twist into the mix. While Meyer was no pussy when it came to violence - witness the brutal and graphic chainsaw death in Up! (1976) for one startling example - he was never one for supernatural or horrific elements, which sets Pervert! apart from some of the more traditional Meyer-esque romps. Gore-gags aside, however, Jon Yudis has done an impeccable job of recreating the look and feel of prime Russ, from the lightning-fast edits to the overwrought dialogue, the outrageous crotch-up camera angles, and the groovy roadside jukebox soundtrack. Best of all, Yudis toplines his film with a trio of gorgeous and impossibly voluptuous actresses, including the world's most adorable trainwreck pornstar, Mary Carey.

As the story opens, regular-dude James (Sean Andrews) vrooms through the desert in his convertible. He picks up a hitchhiker (Tula) in a denim mini-skirt. So far, it seems like a good day. Cut to: Ranch. Crazy grampa spanking Cheryl (Mary Carey), a half-naked blonde with watermelon-sized breasts She half-digs it.
"I've handled a lot of fruit in my time," says the crazed old bastard, "And I've never minded a little bruising."

Back to the road. James fucks it up when the hitchhiker finds his porn stash in the glove compartment. "It was supposed to be different this time!" He whines. Turns out that James is the crazy old man's son. Dad's name is Hezikiah (Darell Sandeen, RIP), and ever since James' mom died, Zeke's been shacking up with tramps like Cheryl. James has been away for many years, and lives in New Orleans, where he's been attending college. He's come back to the ranch for the summer to spend time with his dad and learn what it's like to "Be a man." He pulls up to the hous,e and Zeke comes out to greet him with Cheryl in tow.
"She's no substitute for your mother," he tells James, "But she can satisfy me in ways that your mother never could."
So, that's awkward.

They all sit down to dinner, and James yaps about how awesome New Orleans is. While he does this, Cheryl butters her ear of corn by jamming her fist into the butter and then vigorously stroking the corn. Then she fellates it.
James, distracted but determined to impress dad with his studious ways, babbles on about all the classes he's taking.
"Sounds like quite a load," quips Cheryl, her face covered in butter.

After a restless night of voodoo-tinged dreams (dad's relentless poking of his screamy gal-pal doesn't help either), James spends the next morning digging holes for Zeke's fence-post project. Cheryl suggests they take a snack break, and although dad's against it, he lets the young 'uns have a little fun. James and Cheryl picnic under a tree, and Cheryl spies a bees' nest hanging low on one of the branches. She plucks it off, and pours the honey all over her naked, pendulous breasts. I'm not sure that's how beehives work, but I am also not complaining. After getting good and glazed, Cheryl beckons for James. He saunters over, but is soon engulfed by angry bees.

Once the swelling goes down, father and son get back to work. James mentions to his dad that he thought he heard a rat in his room the night before. Dad suspects they've been skulking around the ranch on account of his 'meat sculptures'. He takes James into his studio where he has been busy recreating the female form in hunks of bacon and hamburger. So, that's happening.

The next morning, they have a hearty, phallic-y breakfast of sausage and more sausage while, just a few feet away, Cheryl takes a soapy outdoor bucket-bath. James and his dad start to open up old wounds, and James suggests that perhaps mom's death wasn't an accident at all. Then he excuses himself, telling dad he's driving into town to get his car worked on.

He visits a Nazi mechanic (director Yudis) who offers to give James a rimjob, and then kicks his young son so hard the child flies like a football. He tells him it'll take a day to fix his car, so James is forced to trudge back to the ranch on foot. Halfway there, he's startled by a rattlesnake (fake snake pulled by a string), but luckily Cheryl shows up in dad's pick-up truck and squashes it. James gets in, and as they tear ass through the desert, they get to know each other a little better. Cheryl tells James that she's an ex-stripper, and that she met dad met in Reno. Big surprise. And James? James just wants to be a man. A manly man.

Cheryl sets him on the path by hopping on top of him and humping away while he tries not to flip over the truck. They come perilously close to running right over dad, who's wandering the desert with a shotgun, looking for meat. James scrambles back into the truck bed before dad finds out he's been boning his girl.
"Goddamn it, Cheryl", growls Ezekial. "If the good lord intended for women to drive, he would have equipped them with common sense instead of tits."

Now that the cap's off the bottle, Cheryl and James have pneumatic, Russ Meyer-esque outdoor sex all over the ranch while dad snoozes on the porch or goes out hunting for squirrels. Eventually, Zeke catches the two young lovers, and Cheryl gets a substantial paddling for her indiscretion.

The next morning, Zeke is in a forgiving mood. James finds him on the porch, poking through a pile of meat. Zeke says he finally caught the 'coyote' he'd been chasing around. He also tells James that Cheryl ran off in the middle of the night, and that she wouldn't be coming back. And then he goes back to poking his meat.

Zeke heads off to town for whatever, and comes back with a loudmouth new girlfriend/whore, Alisha (Sally Jean). Then he makes James take inventory of Zeke's meat supplies. "Um, three and a half pounds of testicles..."

James starts to suspect that Cheryl didn't really run away, so he decides to investigate. After balling his new piece o' tail, Zeke falls fast asleep. James sneaks into his room to snatch the key to his studio, but he wakes up Alisha, who convinces him, via some bullshit about how she gushes like a runny egg if you crack her right, to take her along on their Scooby Doo mission. He tells her to wait in the kitchen, and he'll meet her there in a few minutes.

James snoops around the meat sculptures while Alisha dutifully waits for him in the kitchen, wiling away her time by sensuously sucking on lemon wedges. And then some crazy shit happens. Something attacks/fucks/eats her from behind. Things get even weirder in the studio when a bloody, naked, zombied-out Cheryl shuffles in the door. James tries to shake her out of her stupor, but her head falls off, and a geyser of blood explodes from her neck.

Zeke denies having anything to do with the deaths of the two girls. James does not believe him, but just wants to get the fuck out of the desert at this point, so he helps his dad bury the two women, and then he calls the local nursing home and asks them to come and pick up his crazy father.

They send a busty, generously proportioned nurse, Patty (Juliette Clark) to evaluate him. Zeke assumes she's there to have sex with him, so he tries to get that happening, but she's got a different agenda entirely. She handcuffs him to the bed and questions him about the missing girls. When he does not give her the answers she's looking for, she takes a cigarette lighter and burns his nuts.

Patty tells James it'll be a couple days before dad's properly evaluated, so in the meantime, they develop a romantic relationship. He gives her piggyback rides and they eat ice cream and talk about what race of people they'd wipe out if they had their druthers.

That night, Patty hears a strange noise, and chases around an unseen something with a shotgun, but it gets away. The next morning, James and Patty are in the bathroom together, and Patty sees James naked for the first time. Suddenly, the true horror of James and Zeke and their whole cursed clan comes to light, and Patty and James band together to take on one nasty prick of a serial murderer.

Pervert's final third is a quite a curveball, as the film descends into bloody splatstick complete with a Hennenlotter-esque stop motion monster. While it does not completely derail the film, it does leave you wondering why they bothered with the gory subplot in the first place. I mean, we've got hot, busty chicks in the desert, who needs blood and guts? It's a minor quibble though, and for most of its running time, Pervert! is an eyeball-pleasing feast of pulchritude, a riot of sound and color and delightfully bouncy mounds of girl-flesh. Anyone who has seen Mary Carey perform in any of her hardcore videos - or remembers when she ran for governor of California - knows she's basically a goofy exhibitionist, so she was absolutely perfect for this role.

She's also effortlessly charming and crazy-sexy, and if nothing else, Pervert! proves that she's got a long and productive career in ex/sexploitation awaiting her, if she so desires.

Pervert! made quite a splash when it was originally released on DVD, and it's still making the rounds at film fests all over the world. It is one of the first and best examples of a new post-porn sensibility, a shameless throwback to the drive-in era, when curvy women wielding shotguns and soundtracks filled with organ-mashing go-go bands ruled the day. Dunno if good ol' Russ would have constructed meat monsters out of bacon and burgers, but there's very little about the first 50 or so minutes that he wouldn't have done himself.

Meyer's vision of tough, curvy broads and high-desert justice has never gone out of style, and continues to inspire film-makers nearly 45 years since Tura Satana first karate-chopped her way to infamy in the original Faster Pussycat, Kill Kill!. The much-hyped Bitch Slap is another example that should be hitting the big screen soon, and rumors abound of a proper Faster Pussycat remake. Tura's even making a comeback with the upcoming women in prison flick, Sugarboxx. In the meantime, our man Yudis continues to mine 60's era exploitation for inspiration. Last year he produced Sex Galaxy, a Barbarella-esque softcore space romp directed by Pervert's screenwriter, Mike Davis.

Sex Galaxy trailer:

Pervert! trailer:

Bitch Slap trailer:

Sugarboxx trailer:

For more on Sex Galaxy, visit the official Myspace page.
To buy your own copy of Pervert!, visit the official website.
For more Mary Carey nuttiness, visit her Myspace page.

- Ken McIntyre

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