Monday, August 31, 2009

Bare-Naked Survivor (2001)

Directed by Doug Hoffman
Starring Julie K Smith, Shauna O'Brien, Aimee Sweet, Tess Broussard, Aria Giovanni, Alexis Winston
Unrated
USA

"Fuck this French shit, you know what I mean?"

There isn't a lame-assed television concept out there that you can't make fucking superb by throwing some tits at it. Case in point, pseudo-reality's yawnfest ratings juggernaut 'Survivor', which mostly proved how petty, tawdry, and obnoxious regular people are. After you realize that none of these irritating fame whores are actually going to starve to death or get eaten by lions or even eat each other, about the only thrill left is that maybe one of the rapidly thinning women might pop a top. Luckily, the helpful sleazemongers at Indican have made it easy on us all, reducing the series' tiresome docu-drama leanings to it's bare (ahem) essentials.

Just as in the series it parodies, in Bare Naked Survivor, six contestants are placed on an island and battle it out for a cash prize. Only on this version, the contestants are all nude models, the island in question is 'Butta Cheeka', all the 'challenges' are merely a ruse for the horny host to grope the women, and nobody gets thrown off the show, no matter how outlandish their behavior. In other words, everybody wins.

There isn't much in the way of plot, pacing, or convincing performances, but it hardly matters. What does matter is that there's 101 different ways to get a woman to take her clothes off, and all of them are here. Who knew mouth to mouth resuscitation works better topless, or that booty shaking attracts wildlife?

The contestants in this valley of dolls comprise a nice combination of bimbo stereotypes, all played up for maximum camp value. Ruby (Julie K. Smith) looks like Wendy O Williams smuggling basketballs in her halter top. She's the tough chick, the ex-marine that would be a shoo-in to win the contest, were it an actual competition. She stomps around the island flexing her muscles and plotting some kind of vague revenge on the rest of them.

Babette (Shauna O'Brien), the mean one, always snapping at her co-jigglers, has a French accent that's as phony as her bust-line.

Cheryl (Alexis Winston) is...well, a bad actress, mostly, although she does tell a very amusing story about a religious vision she had in Mexico. Only problem is, she's not sure whether she saw Jesus, or just "Some Mexican guy".

Angela (Aimee Sweet) is the hippy chick, Dallas (Tess Broussard) is the good girl, and Monica (Aria Giovanni - who you can find as the teaser girl on a bout half a million porn sites) is the prettiest one.

Not that she gets away from humiliating hijinx, when she gets caught with her pants down by a wandering gorilla.

All of this tender flesh is herded by game host Cliff Probate (Lenny Juliano) who's about the slimiest, pastiest, most craven excuse for a man you can imagine. If anybody deserves to be stranded on a deserted island, it's him. Without the girls, I mean.

It should be noted, by the way, that what little clothes the girls wear, they wear throughout the duration of the show. Which means they only brought one outfit apiece, or more likely, the entire proceedings were shot in one afternoon. No wonder the girls fumble over the script, since it was probably being written in real time. Mandatory viewing, quite obviously.

By the way, the end credits feature ads for each of the girls personal websites, but after watching them run around half naked for an hour, what more do you want from them, blood? Wait, there's the sequel - Bare Naked Vampire Survivor. The 'sucking' jokes alone could keep it going for a season.

- Ken McIntyre

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