Friday, August 28, 2009

All Ladies Do It (1992)

Aka Cosi fan tutte
Directed by Tinto Brass
Starring Claudia Koll, Paolo Lanza

"You let him fuck you?"
"No, no. I just took it up the ass."

Ah, what's better than Italo perv cinema, especially when it comes from the sweaty gaze of none other than Mr. Caligula himself, Tinto Brass? In ALDI, we peek in on the flighty sexual misadventures of Diane (super sexy Claudia Koll, who looks kinda like a thinner, less Amazonian Geena Davis), a young married hussy who grows tired of her straight-laced hubby and his uptight ways. She meets a dirty (and I mean that in every possible sense) Frenchman at some wacky porno poetry party, and he drags her into the bathroom and sniffs her apple-shaped buttocks. I dunno if he laid an ass whammy on her or what, but for the rest of the film, she can't go anywhere without someone grabbing her butt, or commenting on beautifully shaped it is, or how much they'd like to do a little anal spelunking on her. She soon gives in to her newfound desires for shameless assplay, and starts cheating like mad on her hubby with the Frenchman, the bawdy poetess, a couple of jerks on the train, and whoever else gooses her.

She comes home to her husband every night and tells him of her sexy adventures, but he thinks it's all just harmless fantasy, until one fateful day when he discovers a Frenchie hickey on her neck. Then all hell breaks loose, and he chops her into little bits and feeds her to the camels at the local zoo.

No, he doesn't. He actually just throws her and her finely shaped ass out the door, which finally gives her the freedom to be the 24 year old, 3 input harlot she has always wanted to be. But will it last? What will endure- true love, or ass addiction? Well fuck, man, can't we have both?

Obviously, All Ladies Do It doesn't concern itself with plot all that much. Mostly it just bounces from one sexy scene to another, which makes it probably the most honest of all of Brass's erotic films. No filler, just drill 'er, if you dig. Of course, it makes full use of all the gorgeous Italian scenery- read that both ways- and features plenty of his signature cartoon geometry camera compositions. If you really wanted to stretch the truth- like if your mom caught you watching it, or something- I suppose you might actually get away with calling it art. Which you usually can't say, when you're discussing a buttfuck movie.

The "unrated" status of this version means that the softcore sex scenes verge perilously close to the hard stuff- blink and you'll miss a second or two of graphic blowjob hijinks and even a moment of full anal insertion. The fact that it's shot in lavish 35 MM with a cast of bonafide arthouse actors makes it somehow seem dirtier than it actually is.

In summation: while it's never quite as funny as Brass assumes it is, Ladies is nonetheless well worth seeking out, if only to bask in the rare beauty of Miss Koll.

Clip: Diane meets the Frenchman.

- Ken McIntyre

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