Thursday, July 30, 2009

Lusty Busty Babe-A-Que (2008)

Directed by Jim Wynorski
Starring Julie Strain, Nikki Fritz, Melissa Brasselle, Glori-Anne Gilbert, Potter Twins
Unrated
USA

"Seriously folks, wouldn't you rather see me eating this banana?"

Jim Wynorski is a hero to 80's era sleazebeasts and boobhunters like yours cruelly. He peppered that goofy decade with suitably goofy movies, full of chicks and monsters and Corman-esque corner-cutting. His very first directorial effort, Lost Empire, was a top-heavy jaw-dropper starring a trio of busty crime-fighters (Raven De La Croix, Heather McClure, Melanie Vincz) taking on a skinned-skull superbaddie (Angus Scrimm!) on his own weird island. You'd figure it'd be tough to top an audacious display like that, but he did, over and over, for the next several years. Chopping Mall (1986) featured hot chicks battling robots (in a mall). Deathstalker II (1987), was an even loonier - and cheaper - swords n' sex fest than the eye-ball plucking '85 original. Big Bad Mama II (1987) starred Angie Dickinson, Robert Culp, Julie McCullough and Danielle Brisbois, and at least half of them were naked. Not of this Earth (1988) was a cheapjack remake of Corman's cheapjack original and featured Traci Lords. Hell, Wynorski was so ballsy back then he made Sorority House Massacre III before he made Sorority House Massacre II!

Above: Julie McCullough, Big Bad Mama II

Those were the days, man. Wynorski is the unheralded king of VHS. He continued steadily along the thorny path of low/no budget exploitation flicks for the next two decades, but as the 00's droned on, his work forked into two distinctive directions. While he does, occasionally, still put on a goofy spookshow (2007 TV movie Bone Eater, for example), more often than not, he's doing cheap, for-hire sexploitation quickies with little to know plot and even less production values.



Some of these titles have actually broken through the softcore crust and garnered some mainstream attention, mostly for their eye-grabbing titles: Bare Wench Project (2000), Busty Cops (2004), The Witches of Breastwick (2005), etc. They are all very much in the spirit of late 70's/early 80's spoof porn, only with softcore fuck scenes and slightly harder girl-on-girl action in place of all the flying fluids and triple penetrations. On the surface, there seems to be very little reason for these movies to exist. Surely, if titillation is the goal, you'd get there faster with hardcore, and since many of the actresses Wynorski routinely employs are porn stars, seems like you'd be better off plunking your DVD allowance down on something that's actually showing you the stuff that, say, Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade (2005) is merely hinting at. But let us not forget one important fact: Jim Wynorski is a fuckin' auteur, man.

It does not matter if he has $10,000 or ten bucks to make a movie, he will still imbue the beast with his trademarks: irreverence, lame gags, and big tits. No matter how absurd/lame the premise is, you'll at least get that. There's also a nostalgic kick in not getting exactly what you want. In the 80's, we never got what we wanted. There were no graphic blowjobs in the 80's - at least not in the front room of the video store - and there's still no graphic blowjobs in Wynorski's skin-coms, even now. I dunno, there's a neat consistency in that. Lusty Busty Babe-a-que has no blowjobs. It doesn't even have any penises. But irreverence, lame gags, and big tits? It's got bucketfuls of that stuff.

There is no plot in Lusty Busty. There isn't even a premise, really. It's just a bunch of scenes that he probably shot in an afternoon, sandwiched together with on-screen narration by shrew-y Melissa Brasselle, who half-heartedly pretends to grill hot dogs while wearing a succession of increasingly skimpy outfits. As she introduces each segment, she zings the girls starring in them - "This one stars those twins with the cellulite, what's-their-names" - and then it cuts to a scene of the Potter twins frolicking in a lake with Nikki Fritz and Glori-Ann Gilbert or whoever else. It's a little disorienting, this Rickles-esque comedy, and I wonder if Brasselle was really the best choice for the role. For one thing, her look is severe - she hovers somewhere between tranny-esque and witchy, and were it not for her admittedly breathtaking rack, the very notion of her appearing in a boner movie would be laughable.

Brasselle started appearing in low-budget action/exploitation flicks in the early 1990s, but is probably best known for being the craziest contestant (or contestant's mom, to be more accurate) in the bruising 2008 reality show, "I Know My Kid's a Star".

She does have some comedic potential, but she just comes off as mean-spirited here. Mary Carey could have done it with wit and charm. Tiffany Shepis would have totally nailed it. Braselle just sorta of screeches and snorts her way through it.

Like you're here for the comedy anyway, right? You're here for the tits and the girl on girl action. And you get it. Sort of. So the Potter twins, Glori-Anne Gilbert and Juliet whatever frolic in some shallow water. One of the girls dumps some water on herself and says, "I hope it's not radioactive". When they squeeze each other's boobs, it makes a boing sound! When they rub each other's butts, it makes a rubbing-balloons noise.

One girl has bone-white boobs. By the way, did you know that if you search around for a while, you can find clips of the Potter Twins doing each other? That shit is bananas.
Anyway, after it's over, Melissa says "Glori-Anne, have you called Jenny yet? Look at the size of your ass!"

Besides the shallow pond frug, there's a disastrously dark bare-ass dance off in front of a campfire. This goes on for a long time. And then all the girls pour Hershey's chocolate syrup on each other, and then rub it in. If this movie is about anything, it's about Hershey's Syrup abuse. There's a ton of it here.

Julie Strain is also on deck, doing crazy jungle-girl dances with two other girls while wearing a white wig and fur boots. Melissa wise-cracks about Julie's age - and while she does have a point (Julie's on the bad/sad end of 40), she still looks phenomenal, and remains one of the eight or nine great wonders of the naked world.

Oh, and then the Potter twins rub sunblock on each other. Twin interaction is always hot. And then Melissa eats a banana, and it's over.

Listen, some of you will hate this. That's valid, it is pretty esoteric, and it's about as boner-popping as Bat Pussy. But again, I fall back on the 80's model. It's not really what you want, but it's kind of what you want, and baby, how much more can you ask for in a recession?

So, what have we learned?

We learned that Wynorski has a fetish for Hershey's syrup, and that I will clearly watch anything if he directed it, or if it has Julie Strain or the Potter Twins in it. Now, Jim, can you please ditch the condiments and make Lost Empire II already?

- Ken McIntyre

PS: See? They're pretty nice, right?

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