Monday, July 13, 2009

Bat Pussy (1973)

Directed by?
Starring Dora Dildo, Sam, Buddy
Rated XXX
USA

"How does it feel?"
"Terrible."

There are no credits on either end of Bat Pussy. It's a complete mystery, perhaps the world's last truly 'underground film', found in a trash heap somewhere and resurrected by the kind/cruel souls at Something Weird Video. An ultra-cheap porn quickie with no production values to speak of, Bat Pussy was most likely in and out of the XXX theaters in a day upon its release. Certainly, it does not work, on any level, as masturbation fodder or even kitschy erotica. It is, however, stunningly weird, grubby, and ugly, an unintentionally hilarious bit of homespun cinematic folk-art so senseless, so maddeningly random in its execution that it very nearly approaches some sort of terrible genius. I can only imagine what the raincoat crowd thought of it in 1973, stumbling into some rathole porn theater on the Deuce, hoping for a little light jack-off material and getting nearly 60 minutes of two drunken idiots yanking on each others genitals and spitting out slurred insults/threats like "You never can get a hard on, so I have to use a rubber dick, you son of a bitch!" and "I'm gonna fuck my secretary right in the ass and then come home and make you suck my dick!" The next day, they must have thought they'd dreamt it, unless they just hung themselves in the mens room stall during intermission, convinced that they'd never again pop a boner after witnessing such a nauseating display. Not surprisingly, Bat Pussy has garnered a small-but-ferocious cult following of drunkards and sleaze-beasts over the years. The gang at the AV Maniacs forum even had a "Bat Pussy Dirty Motherfuckers" club for awhile back there, complete with membership cards and fridge magnets. There was also a petition being passed around for awhile to get Bat Pussy re-released on DVD. It worked, sorta, since Something Weird released it as a DVD-R, coupled with another feature, Baby Bubbles. I'm assuming a Blu-Ray is in the works somewhere, but for now, thank goodness for Something Weird Video. For without them, how would we know what the worst/best porn film ever made was?

Buddy, a drunken hillbilly with a Duane Eddy haircut sits, naked, at his kitchen table, guzzling whiskey (for real, from the sounds of it), and reading Screw magazine. His freckly, pug-faced, beehive-hairdo'd wife Sam - who may or may not be a prostitute - sits in their conjugal bed, begging him to fuck her. The copy of Screw would suggest New York City, but their accents suggest...well, swamp people, really.
"Wow," says Buddy, staring at the smudgy pictorials in the newspaper. "Would you look at what they're doin'? Shoot, I wouldn't submit you to something like that," he grumbles to Sam.
"Although I'd like to!"

She finally coaxes him to bed, and starts slime-sucking his flaccid penis. It looks like a sickly pink eel that just wants to die in peace. That goes on for awhile, and then they switch to the '69' position, just like Buddy saw in Screw.
"Darlin', you're gonna have to move your sweet leg," he offers, politely.
This goes on, mercilessly, for quite some time. Apparently Buddy is just now realizing the erotic potential of his partner. He usually prefers, from what Sam implies, "Girls at the office". Of course, he is still not erect after ten minutes of her slobbery suck-job, but whatever. Interestingly, the couple get increasingly hostile towards one another the more time they spend together. Sam starts to call Buddy a "Bastard" with increasing disdain in her voice, while Buddy - gamely trying to perform cunnilingus on his woman - says crazy shit like "Goddamnit, stop coming in my mouth!" and "Every time I run my tongue up your pussy it comes out your asshole. What's the goddammed deal with that?"

Meanwhile, at Bat Pussy Headquarters (scribbled on a piece of cardboard, taped to a cement wall), "Dora Dildo", an angry, undernourished looking woman in a dirty nightgown, lies on a grungy sofa, absent-mindedly grabbing at her crotch. The narrator informs us that she's waiting for her super-sensors to kick in. They tell her when a crime is about to be committed. How does this manifest itself?
"She can always tell," says the narrator, "When her twat begins to twitch".

So, I guess it starts twitching, because Dora gets up and starts pacing. "Somebody is making a fuck film in my holy Gotham city!" She growls. "I better put on my Bat Pussy uniform!"
She whips off her dingy negligee, and starts to pull on her puke-green costume, all the while muttering to herself: "Dirty motherfuckers trying to make a fuck film in my fuckin' city..."

Meanwhile, the two hillbillies continue to flop around awkwardly on the bed.
"That ain't a pussy you got," Buddy says at one point, "That's an ol' warsh tub."
Romance! This goes on for a long time, the two of them trading back nonsensical insults while they paw at each other's privates.

"You wouldn't know how to eat somebody," says Sam, "Even if you was fuckin' your own grandmother."

Meanwhile, Bat Pussy emerges from her secret lair - an outhouse - straddling one of those hippity-hop bouncy balls kids loved in the early 70's. She proceeds to bounce slowly through a park, ostensibly on her way to thwart crime. Amazingly enough, she manages to bounce her way right into the very lap of criminality. Some dude is man-handling a woman near a clump of trees. Bat Pussy sneaks up behind him and bashes his brains in with her bouncy red ball All of this is shot from a squinty long-distance angle, The cameraman had to be a hundred feet away during these scenes. Why? Why would this happen?

Anyway, we cut to more squabbling from Sam and Buddy, juxtaposed with scenes of Bat Pussy bouncing down the side of the highway, giant 70's cars carelessly zipping by her.

Buddy, for some insane reason, decides they could "Make a fortune" if he took pictures of Sam's rancid red vagina and send them to Screw, so he pulls out his camera and starts snapping away. On cue, in barges Bat Pussy, demanding Buddy put the camera down.
"See?" Says Sam, completely misinterpreting the situation. "I knew you were cheating on me. You been messing around with this chick."

Bat Pussy effectively ends the photo-session, but does nothing to stop the horrible carnal display. Within seconds, Buddy has her stripped naked and thrashing around on the bed as the third leg in their mortifying three-way sex-blunder.
"Suck Bat Woman's pussy!" Demands a clearly demented Buddy. "We're all gonna live together now. Suck her pussy!"

There's more naked wrestling to endure. Interestingly, this part of the film looks like it is literally covered in vomit. One of the girls starts coughing a lot. Sam pulls out a flesh colored dildo and starts working on herself, and later on,on Bat Pussy. Buddy never manages to penetrate anybody, although he does accidentally knock Bat Pussy off the bed at one point. And then he flashes a panicked look at the cameraman, unsure of whether he just broke the actress's neck or not.

And then it ends, rather abruptly, with an unsatisfied Bat Pussy pulling her uniform back on and storming out of the apartment.
"Fuck you," says Sam, summing up the experience. "Fuck you in the ass."

Way, way better than The Dark Knight, Bat Pussy is Mandatory viewing, clearly. A once in a lifetime experience. Twice would surely kill you.

Bat Pussy is available from Something Weird Video.

Clip: Bat Pussy to the rescue!



- Ken McIntyre

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