Staring Kristi Ducati, Rikki Brando, Joe Dusic, Kimberly Bee
"One more word, and I'm going to hold you in contempt."
"In contempt of what, a car wash?"
Any film written, produced, and directed by booze-swilling pussyhounds Buck Flower and Ed Hansen is bound to be a little thin in the plot department, but Bikini Carwash Company - which is, easily, Hansen's most successful feature - doesn't even pretend to be anything other than a mindless series of wet-chicks-in-bikinis montages. There's nothing about it that would warrant more than a day of filming. For all I know, Hansen shot it in real time. I can hear the conversation now:
Buck: "Ed, we ain't got much bread for this one. We're gonna haveta get it done pretty quick."
Ed: "No problem, Buck ol' pal. I can get it done in two."
Buck: "Two weeks?"
Ed: "Haha, what? No man, two hours."
Buck: "Shit, then we'd have money left over for the dog track!"
Ed: "My thoughts exactly. Now pass that bottle, Buck."
You know you're in for special treat when the credits make you do a spit-take. Sure, computer graphics weren't nearly as realistic in '92 as they are now, but the opening sequence - a bus riding a virtual highway towards a giant pair of boobs - is hilariously primitive.
The story, such as it is, involves Iowa-raised bumpkin Jack (Joe Dusic) who wanders onto the beach one day and starts poking at scantily clad nubiles, asking about the "Sunshine Carwash Company". Eventually, one of them points him in the right direction, and he meets up with his uncle Elmer (Patrick Wright, The Cheerleaders), who owns the carwash and is suffering terribly from allergies. He wants college-boy Jack to run the place for the summer so he can see a doctor and get healthy. When Jack arrives, he is shocked to see a van full of naked strippers - one of Elmer's few regular customers. Elmer hands him the keys and then splits, leaving Jack with a failing business and a pile of bills.
Jack's luck changes when he meets Melissa (Kristi Ducati). Melissa and her friends pooled a pile of money together and invested in an edible bikini company, but she forgot to refrigerate their product, and it all melted. Now they're ruined, and she needs a quick way to make some cash. When Jack stumbles onto her and her gang of jiggle-bunnies and explains his situation, Melissa gets a bright idea. That's right, a bikini car wash. Jack will make enough dough to keep the carwash afloat and pay for Elmer's expensive allergy treatments, and Melissa and her friends can make their money back. And, you know, the rest of us can watch them wash cars topless. So, everybody wins.
Jack agrees, partly because he thinks it's a viable business model, and partly because he desperately wants to bang Melissa. After an effective bikini-tease in her sex-shack, Jack happily signs the dubious contract she hands him, and they get to work.
Day one of the Bikini Car Wash starts off with an early morning workout, in bikinis, set to blaring spandex rock.
Once the girls are suitably limbered up, Rita (gorgeous Neriah Davis) hooks the rubes by waving them in off the boulevard, and once they pay the admission fee, the girls wet their cars down and then proceed to wash windows with their tits and buff the chrome with their asses. Naturally, lines start forming around the block. It should be noted, by the way, that despite being called the Bikini Carwash, the girls are usually topless. Where do they think they are, Europe?
As you might imagine, Jack soon gets a visit from the cops - and the assistant DA, sniveling worm Donovan Drake (Matthew Cory Dunn). Seems there's been an inordinate amount of fender benders outside of the carwash, not to mention all the reports of naked antics. Drake wants Jack arrested and the place shut down immediately, but Melissa makes a phone call, and high-powered lawyer Bobbie Canova (Kimberly Bee) shows up and completely confuses him.
And then a flasher shows up, which throws everyone into chaos and causes Melissa to point awkwardly towards the camera.
And then, because Hansen just can't himself, there's a stripper routine inside the carwash.
At some point later, Judge Hawthorne shows up to inspect the joint, and in what I'm sure Hansen imagined would be the comic highlight of the movie, his wife (Landon Hall, Cyberella) runs afoul of a vacuum cleaner and ends up stripped to her underwear. While this is happening, a horror movie scream is looped on the soundtrack to signify Mrs. Hawthorne's dismay. Unfortunately the actress has her mouth closed the entire time.
At this point, you may be asking yourself, if this is a Flower/Hansen production, then where's our old pal John F Goff? Well, he's here, too. He's the DA. Turns out, he's also the flasher, and he's been running around town with his dick out because he hates women, especially his mother. So that was weird. Goff hauls ass out of there, but he's cornered by the van strippers (who, in classic Hansen fashion, look like actual worn-out old strippers), who tie him down and give him a forced lapdance. And then he gets hauled off to jail.
For whatever reason, this whole debacle sexually stimulates the formerly impotent judge, so, emboldened by his hard-on, he declares that the carwash can stay open. Bobbie Cordova thanks him, and then her dress gets sucked off by the vacuum, causing her and the judge and everyone else to laugh hysterically. In most cases - certainly in any given episode of the A Team or Speed Buggy, this is when you would call it a day and roll the credits. However, we are still only at the hour mark. What other naked nuttiness could possibly await us?
Well, first Bobbie has a couple longhaired dudes soap up her ass. And then Melissa and Jack go back to the sex shack and fuck. And then there's a bikini photo shoot.
So that eats up fifteen minutes. And then, finally, Uncle Elmer comes back to work. Turns out they found a cure for his allergies - edible underwear. Yes, you read that right. Just like Melissa was trying to sell at the beginning.
"If somebody invests in that stuff, they'll make a fortune!" Says Elmer.
It's like a fairytale, only with silicone and Aquanet.
Much like Fred Olen Ray's Bikini Drive In, Bikini Carwash Company seems impossibly anachronistic. There is nothing 90's-esque about the movie, including the incessant flash metal soundtrack. The clothes, the hair, the language, all of it seems lifted straight from 1985, almost as if Hansen was attempting a period piece. But then again, this probably wouldn't have worked with a grunge soundtrack. On the surface, it seems like a stereotypical Ed Hansen film: the ridiculous set-up, the Hanna Barbara sound effects, the intrusive strip sequences, the incessant roar of the soundtrack, z-hero cameos (Jim Wynorski works at the carwash, porn star Missy Warner is the first girl Jack harasses at the beach), and of course, John F Goff. But all the slow-mo and quick-cutting sequences featuring wet girls and their soapy tits are much slicker than anything Hansen ever did before. And when you consider that his next film was Takin' It Off Out West - one of the most primitive films we've ever reviewed - well, I think cinematographer Gary Dean Orona handled a lot of this film himself, probably when ol' Ed was sleeping one off. Not surprisingly, Orona directed the sequel himself.
Perhaps Bikini Carwash Company's slickness is what makes it Hansen's biggest hit. Or maybe it's all the tits. At any rate, it ruled late night Cinemax for years, and is fondly remembered by most of the teenage losers that saw it back then. It never reaches the exquisite depths of the junkfilm abyss that Hansen plunged to in, say, Party Favors, Party Plane, or Takin' It All Off, but it's still pretty awesome/bad. And yes, boners will most assuredly be popped.
By the way, most of the girls returned for Bikini Carwash Company II and, for some reason, Meatballs 4.
Availability: Bikini Carwash Company is available on DVD. For $100.00!
Also on VHS.
Link: Neriah Davis - who still looks amazing, even without the giant pile of hair - has her own website. Sign up for her newsletter and she'll email you a saucy pic every Monday, which sounds delightful.
- Ken McIntyre