Thursday, February 12, 2009

Pizza Girls (1978)

AKA Pizza Girls, We Deliver!
Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls
Directed by Bob Chinn
Starring John Holmes, Desiree Cousteau, Candida Royalle
Rated X

"Your name is Anne Chovy?"
"I know, what a coincidence!"

It took 'em awhile to realize that porn didn't have to be funny or interesting or good to sell units. Back in the 70's, during adult cinema's so-called "Golden Age", X flicks were actually shot on 35mm film. There were location shoots and scripts, and even a modicum or two of acting skill. That doesn't even make sense when you compare it to modern stroke-cinema, which has been reduced to fetish-intensive clips with no build-up or storylines, just mechanical sports-fucking with messy and often tragic endings. They look like two entirely different animals. The lines are blurred further still when you stumble upon a rusty old gem like Pizza Girls, which clearly mines the teen sex com for inspiration, and then splatters a bunch of graphic humping on top.

As the title would suggest, Pizza Girls follows the carnal exploits of the gang at Country Girl Pizza, a popular neighborhood pizzeria in San Francisco run by - naturally - John the Pizza Man (John Holmes, RIP), a gruff, tough-talking horse's ass who takes phone orders with the cheerful greeting of "It's your dime your wasting, pal."

Given John's nasty attitude, he'd have to have a serious hook to get by, and he certainly does: a four-girl army of skateboarding hussies in halter-tops and short-shorts who vroom around town delivering pies and, if need be, a little something extra. Our sex on wheels team includes Geno (Candida Royalle), the 'head' specialist, Shakey (Laurien Dominique, RIP), Celeste (Christine De Shaffer), and the new girl, Anne Chovy (Desiree Cousteau), who, unlike her gum-snapping, hard-case co-workers, really is a country girl.

As our saga begins, wide-eyed innocent Anne is starting her first day as a delivery girl. John explains to her what it's all about:
"It's very simple. A 'Bell Pepper Bell Pepper' with any other combination, that means it's a horny housewife and the husband wants to join in. If it's a 'Bell Pepper Bell Pepper, Hold the Pepperoni', that's a horny housewife and the husband just wants to watch."
John gives the girls their orders, and away they zoom.

Meanwhile, there's a bumbling detective (isn't there always?), Inspector Blackie (the awesomely named John Seeman) skulking around the area, intent on busting the Pizza prostitution scheme wide open. Unfortunately he's stuck in a phone booth for the first half-hour of the movie.

Right. So, the deliveries.
Geno blows an urban cowboy who says, "Your mouth is better than a hot volcano."
A fuckin' hot volcano? Well, I should hope so, sir.

Meanwhile, Anne sorta mangles her first delivery. This particular pie comes with a side order of cunnilungus, and as she sits there with the very Rip Taylor-esque customer nuzzled between her thighs, she eats the pizza herself while motor-mouthing about life back in Alabama, including some alarming information about her old boyfriend Jimmer:
"Jimmer always said the only thing better than a 13 year old was a ripe twelve year old."
That'd be a mood killer for me, personally, but Mr. Taylor just flips his kerchief and dives in.

The girls deliver their pizzas/services and do such a bang-up job that their cowboy johns form a plan to rescue/kidnap them from Holmes. How? By calling 'The Night Chicken', of course.

Meanwhile, the Inspector decides to make his move, so he rolls down the sidewalk on his skateboard (everyone is on skateboards in this movie) holding a siren. He crash lands into Celeste and Geno and threatens to arrest them, but since he has no proof, he has to let them go. Clearly, no one thought out this scene beyond 'Hey, it'll be funny if he crashes his skateboard into them', because it doesn't actually go anywhere.

Celeste gets accosted by some unseen assailant who drags her behind a fence. We do not see what occurs, but feathers fly, and there's a prominent clucking on the soundtrack. She arrives back at the pizzeria looking worse-for-wear. When John asks her what happened, she says, "I was mugged."
"You mean, they got your pizza?"
"Not exactly mugged," she says. "I was raped."
"Raped?" repeats Geno. "So what's new?"
"By a six foot turkey!" She shrieks, shaking out a pile of feathers.
"That was no turkey," says John. "These are chicken feathers. This is the work of the San Francisco Night Chicken."

I should point out that drugs were very prevalent in porn films back in the 70's.

Umm, so it turns out that John hired the girls as bait to try and capture the chicken man. Apparently, the Chicken Syndicate has been running SF for years, making it impossible for other fast-food establishments to flourish, and the Night Chicken is their enforcer. John figured the girls would draw the Night Chicken out in the open. And, after another couple rapes, the plan works. John and his sidekick Bob (director Chinn) corner the Night Chicken in an alley, and go in for the kill. Well, at least John does.
"I don't wanna get fucked by no chicken!" Says Bob, sensibly.
Drats. The Night Chicken gives 'em the slip.

Meanwhile, Anne falls in love with Inspector Blackie, and the two elope to Niagra Falls. Conveniently, the chicken-rapes end as soon as he leaves town.
Cue the Scooby Doo end-credits theme.

Pizza Girls skids to the finish line in 67 minutes, and that's with half a dozen fuck scenes smushed in. It's by-the-balls film-making, fast and loose and semi-retarded, but it retains a ragged, goofy charm, thanks mostly to Cousteau. Never mind her imposing, glamazonian figure - a fleshy riot of generous curves and pendulous pulchritude - the girl just oozes charm, from her adorable Dorothy Hamill bob to her lilting southern drawl and heart-melting smile. Desiree Cousteau is the kind of girl that makes you feel lucky to be living on the same planet as she does. She's like a rainbow. She's the porn Obama.

Also Holmes, to his credit, does an admirable job as the grumpy, coked-up asshole, but that was probably pretty close to the bone anyway.

In summation: Skateboarding chicks in hotpants. A giant, girl-raping chicken. An old lady asking for are large salami pizza. Anal sex. Horrible country-rock. What more could you ask for?

Pizza Girls is available on DVD from VCX.

PS: If somebody makes a Pizza Girls t-shirt, I will totally buy one.

Clip: Pizza Girls theme!

- Ken McIntyre

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