Saturday, December 27, 2008

Six Swedes on a Pump (1980)

Six Swedes on a Campus
High Test Girls
Swedish Erotic Sexations
Swedish Gas Pump Girls
Swedish Sex Service
Secxhs Schwedinnen von der Tansktelle
Rated X
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I should say right off that I am hopelessly confused about what I've just seen. The English title on the opening credits reads Six Swedes on a Campus. Although there are most definitely six Swedes involved, there is no campus. They actually run a gas station. They're not really Swedish, either, but that's a minor quibble. There's another film in this series called Six Swedes on a Pump, which makes more sense. There is a pump here. So I'm defying the title on my copy. It doesn't matter, though. Six Swedes on a Pump/Campus is like bowling. You don't need to know anything about the sport to bowl, all you need to do is stick your fingers in the holes, and you're bowling. Same thing here. It would probably help if you knew anything about Swedish girls or German films or campuses or pumps, but if you don't, you'll still get it.

This title, as well as the other titles in the series, all star the incomparable Brigitte Lahaie, a baby-faced French actress who started her career in pornography, and was still making XXX films when she shot this softcore romp. She later crossed over into mainstream acting, but is most well-known for wall-to-wall jiggle-fests like this one. She plays Greta here, one of the six Swedish girls running a filling station in a tiny German burg. It is clear from the beginning, however, that this is no ordinary service station.

Six Swedes on a Pump 0pens with a woman absent-mindedly masturbating while she watches a weather report about a tropical report in Cuba. So that's a good sign.
A few minutes later, some guy shows up for some gas. She slips her panties back on and runs out to fill his tank.
"You really know how to handle that pump," he says.
"Well," she says, "I've had a lot of practice."
She asks the dude if we wants to come inside for refreshments. He agrees and, once they get inside, she strips all her clothes off.
"Don't you want to?" She asks. He does. And so they do. The newscasters on the TV report on the action and fondle each other while the couple bang away on the couch. It's pretty fuckin' crazy.

There is no plot to this film, but there is a slight storyline. The grumpy mayor wants the Swedish girls ousted, because he thinks they're affecting the "moral fabric" of his town. To tackle this thorny issue, he calls for an endless series of meetings with his councilmen. The gag is that there's always one councilman missing from the meeting - a different one every time. Guess where they all are? That's right, all the councilmen are banging the mayor's scrumptious wife (Jane Baker) while he's bloviating about the goddamn Swedish girls.

Meanwhile, when they're not fucking the mayor's wife, all the men in town are at the filling station, having extremely casual sex with the Swedish six. And in the very few instances when there are no men around, the women are still carrying on like Scandinavian Caligulas. At one point, they all sit around watching a black and white porn movie. In it, Santa Claus gives a woman a giant wooden fucking machine. She likes it, and it gives them the idea to rig a stationary bicycle with...well, you get the point. They certainly got the point. The television continues to sexually interact with them, as well. It is almost as if the Swedish girls are trapped in some genital-bothering Purgatory. Even when they go out for some exercise, it takes a turn for the erotic. Halfway through an innocent jog through the forest, they suddenly feel the need to disrobe and run naked. Naked and in slow motion. This goes on for something like seven minutes straight.

Halfway through, you start to ponder. How necessary is it, really, to show six Swedish girls running naked, in slow motion, through the forest?

Well, I've watched this scene three times already, so, pretty fuckin' necessary, it seems.

The ceiling of the mayor's mansion is cracked. This is because his employees are having athletic sex with his wife in their upstairs bedroom. He has other theories, of course, but regardless of how the cracks got there, he thinks it's too dangerous for the town's marching band to practice in his mansion, and proposes that they move their rehearsal space to the Swedish filling station. They do. And so, as decreed by the Euro sex comedy handbook, tuba gags and a flustered conductor soon follow.

The original running time for Six Swedes on a Pump is 85 minutes; the US theatrical version is 75 minutes. The copy I have is 64 minutes. Somewhere out there is a print that actually makes some sort of sense, but this one clearly isn't it. Still, even in this chopped and diced form, Six Swedes piles on enough nudity and crazed softcore humping to keep any T&A fan happy. A jumbled mess for sure, but a well-made one. The crystal clear camerawork, eyeball-abusing angles, odd bursts of surrealism, and comic-book edits suggest a Euro Russ Meyer, minus the double-d obsession. Swiss-born director Erwin Deitrich was already a battle-hardened exploitation film vet at this point, having produced everything from Nazisploitation (She Devils of the SS, 1973) to women in prison potboilers (Barbed Wire Dolls, 1975) and even a faux-Ilsa movie ( Ilsa, the Wicked Warden, 1977). Most of his directorial efforts, however, were softcore quickies like this one. All those Swedish girls must have worn him out, however, since this was the last film he directed.

There is practically no end to the amount of goofball sex comedies produced in Europe during the genre's golden age in the 70's and 80's, and since most were chopped, dubbed, remixed, retitled, and distributed all over the world with very little thought or care beyond a quick cash-grab, figuring out what, exactly, you are watching can be a lesson in futility. Still, these films always deliver what they promise - breathtaking scenery, buffoons in beards falling down flights of stairs, and an eyeful of some of the most gorgeous creatures imaginable, flaunting their feminine charms without an ounce of shame. And on that criteria, Six Swedes on a Pump/Campus/Tuba is an absolute winner.

And, did I mention Brigitte Lahaie is naked in it at least half the time?

Availability: Region 2 DVDs of the Six Swedes series are available, but most lack English subtitles. Non-Europeans will have better luck trolling around the internet until you stumble on a dubbed copy. Try some sleazy Turkish or Indian porn forums. You can find all kinds of crazy stuff on those.

-Ken McIntyre

Link: Brigitte Lahaie's blog (in French, naturally)

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