Monday, December 15, 2008

Goin' All the Way (1982)

Directed by Robert Freedman
Starring Eileen Davidson, Dan Waldman, Deborah Van Rhyn
Rated R
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"Wendy's late with her period again. Looks like I'm gonna have to break up with her."

Goin' All the Way appears to take place in some alternate 1963-ish version of 1982, where teenagers hang out at malt shops and go roller-skating. It's a jarring hodge-podge of old-fashioned values, kitchen sink 80's references, and some late-in-the-game stabs at sleaze during the climax. It's like an Archie comic with tits.

As our story begins, we meet dimwit Artie (Dan Waldman) and his uptight best-girl Monica (Deborah Van Rhyn), who are necking - that feels like the appropriate term - in Artie's car, currently parked in Artie's parents' garage. As fellas are wont to do, he would like to take things further, but Monica protests. "What, is it my breath?" Artie asks. "Do I have BO? Is it because I don't have a thing? Because there's Saran Wrap in the kitchen, that'll do in a pinch."
Fucker wants to use sandwich wrap for a condom. No wonder his girlfriend won't fuck him.
Next day at school, Artie's getting razzed by his constantly-scheming best-bud Reggie (Joe Colligan) a douchebag in a Members Only jacket who starts yelling, "Hey everybody, Artie Mulligan's got blue balls!"
What a prick.
The rather uneventful day at Riverdale High or wherever they are rolls on. We are introduced to the girl's weightlifting team, a quartet of hard-nosed she-men led by one Boom Boom (Rachel Spooner), a tough chick with a lesbian haircut and tree-trunk thighs. There is trouble in muscle-chick land today, as one of the girls shows up with a shiner, a tough-love gift from Mitch (Alan Shubin), yet another doofus in this endless loser line-up.
Utilizing her severely limited (but still obviously intact) feminine wiles, 'Boom Boom' entraps Mitch by showing him her floppy tits in the locker room. The rest of the weightlifting team hold him down and shave his head. For some reason, there's gently wafting love-makin' music on the soundtrack during this scene.

Meanwhile, in aerobics class, our female leads (including fetching future soap opera queen Eileen Davidson) wear spandex leotards and gyrate their teenage hips for five or so minutes. Artie and Reggie are outside the gym, peeking in on them. Artie, who really does seem like a creep, is rubbing the crotch of his gym shorts the whole time. Gross.
"I don't know how much longer I can hold out," he tells Reg. If Monica doesn't put out soon, I don't know what I'll do."
"Just do like I do," Reggie says. "Don't take no for an answer."
What? Is Reggie some sort of rapist?
Aerobics class is followed by an extended shower scene with plenty of perky breast shots, including a few eyefuls of Davidson's celebrity skin. Finally, boner time!

After school, all the main characters congregate at a malt shop where they drink milkshakes, eat banana splits, and talk about the upcoming Sadie Hawkins dance. Seriously.

Nothing happens for many minutes until BJ (Davidson) calls up Monica and says, "Hey, do you think my boobs are getting bigger?" As she says this, she lifts up her shirt and fondles them. It almost makes the past half-hour of tedium worth it.
"Do you think I should send away for one of those bust developers?" She asks Monica.
"Why don't you just get one of those padded bras," Monica suggests.
"Oh Monica, you know bras give me a rash," BJ says, and hangs up on her.

And then everybody goes rollerskating.

And after they go rollerskating, they go to a diner, where Reggie does a fucking Paul Henreid impression. "You be Betty Davis," he says to his girlfriend, Wendy (Sylvia Summers). It is at this point where I begin to question director Robert Freedman's grasp on youth culture.

Things perk up a bit when Artie and Reggie pick up a couple of bony party girls who drink beer and make out with them in the back of their car. They decide to press their good luck by sneaking into a club that features female mud-wrestling. Since mud-wrangling was an alarmingly popular trend in the early 1980's (seriously, it was, I was there), we are treated to a fairly exhaustive match, filmed, like most events in this movie, in a static shot about ten miles from the action. This occurs so often in Goin' All the Way that it almost seems like we're eavesdropping on someone else's movie. Anyway, at some point, Reggie and Artie get dragged into the mudpit. Whatever.

Some unspecified time later, the girls all get together and watch porn on the top-loading, 700 lb VCR. Then they have a party, where everybody's feelings get hurt. But something tells me, it'll all get sorted out at the climactic Sadie Hawkins dance.

Hey, guess what? Everything gets sorted out at the dance. The fat bully even gets mauled by the lesbian power-lifters.

Amateurish and uneventful, unless you're a fan of Eileen Davidson, than there is really no reason to suffer through this. If only someone had told me that 87 minutes ago.

I know, girls, I know. I feel the same way.

Availability: Goin' All the Way is available on VHS.
Buy Goin' All the Way at Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre

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