Thursday, December 11, 2008

Bimbo Cheerleaders from Outer Space (1988)

Directed by John T Bone
Starring Tracey Adams, Vera Butler, Cheri Hill, Valentina, Randy Spears, Randy West
Rated XXX

"Long ago in a galaxy far, far away called Pacoima, a group of brave junior college cheerleaders fought against uncoolness, negativity, and a teensy-weensy production budget..."

So begins the lo-fi, Star War-sy scrawl that announces this goofball porn satire of....well, goofball late-night cable programming. It stars (or, more accurately, toplines) real-life junior college graduate and beloved 80's fuck-flick starlet Tracey Adams, in a difficult dual role. On one level, she's Captain Bimbo, the leader of a crack crew of silicone-enhanced space-bimbos, on a mission to explore the mysterious Pancreas 4 planet. On another level, she's just an Earthbound cheerleader named Bambi with aspirations to direct, gamely attempting to perform a no-budget space opera with her bubble-headed pals.

The film opens with Captain Bimbo receiving a holographic transmission from Galactic (Randy West), her space boss. Bimbo's spaceship is constructed, quite literally, out of sheets of paper and flattened cardboard boxes. Knobs and switches are provided by black magic marker, and if Captain Bimbo needs some sort of high-tech communication device or interstellar space modulator, she just draws it. Or, if it no longer serves her purpose, she just rips it up, as she does with the holographic transmitter. Seems you can't suckle a holographic penis, so Mr. West had to break character and, you know, give her the real thing.

After their tryst, Bimbo has a cheerleading rehearsal with her crew. Said crew includes Scotti (Valentina), Laya (Cherry Hill), and, of course, Screwlu (Nina DePonca). To be honest, their cheering skills leave much to be desired, as does their lackluster chant:
"Two bits, four bits, six bits, a buck/We're the crew that loves to fuck
Aliens and members of the human race/Beam us up, and we'll sit on your face"
The random crashing cymbals on the soundtrack don't help much either. Anyway, after practice, Bimbo announces their mission to Pancreas 4. Pinky, of course, asks the obvious:
"What's a 'Pancreas 4'?
Captain Bimbo doesn't get it. She goes on to explain that they'll be spending the rest of their flight time having a pajama party. And then they have one. Things quickly get out of hand, as they often do at pajama parties.

Later on, Laya runs a security check of the ship. She does this by walking by the same upside-down triangle over and over, stopping every time to talk into a magic marker TV set.
"Deck 12, all clear...deck 13, all clear, deck 118, all clear..."
Eventually, she runs into a dude wearing a poncho and a werewolf mask (Randy Spears).
"Freeze, intruder!" She says. Since she has no gun, she just makes one by pointing her finger at him.
"My name is Chewy," he tells her. "I'm a nookie."
Exasperated,, Vera...breaks the fourth wall.
"Look, I know you spent all that time in study class writing this, Bambi," she tells the director/space captain, "But I just can't say this line. It's ridiculous."
Bimbo/Bambi/Tracey is not about to let her movie be ruined by a cranky actress.
"Just say the line, and Steve here can pork your puss."
She says her line. And Steve/Chewy porks her puss.

Some time later, the ship hits a meteroid belt. This effect is achieved by turning on a yellow lightbulb and throwing cheeseballs at their paper towel tube rocket ship model.
"I need a damage report!" Bimbo yells into an unconnected phone receiver.
"I'm sorry guys," she says. "I just got the damage report. There's no fruit juice tonight."
Visibly disappointed, the crew goes about the difficult work of repairing their damaged spaceship. With Scotch tape.

Eventually, the crew lands on Pancreas 4, where they greet the Queen (Eva Allen, in some sort of new-wave/S&M outfit) and the lisping King (Robert Bullock, in a mustache, crown, and nothing else).
"We're here to bring peace to your land!" announces Captain Bimbo.
"Good," says the Queen. I could use a piece, after being stuck on this godforsaken rock with this limp-dicked fairy."
In order to extract more information from the Queen, Captain Bimbo has sex with her.
Works like a charm.

Turns out, the king is the last man on Pancreas 4, and if he doesn't go straight and start impregnating the women-folk, his people will die out. And who, I ask you, is more equipped at turning gay men straight then bimbo cheerleaders?

Indeed. Their mission accomplished, Bimbo and her crew head off to their next grand adventure.
"Warp speed one jillion-quadrillion," Bimbo says, as they blast off.

Taking its cues equally between Nick Zedd's gutter-budget primitivism and Ed Wood's hallucinatory ineptitude, Bimbo Cheerleaders from Outer Space is a colorful and frequently hilarious mash-up of Plan Nine and Geek Maggot Bingo with a dash of John Waters and a whiff of George Lucas. Tracey Adams - who would later join the star-making improv group The Groundlings - shows off her impeccable comic timing here, delivering her lines with a knowing wink and a generous smile. Interestingly, the whole cast seems to have anticipated the awkward silences and mumbly delivery of post-ironic comedy in the YouTube era by a good two decades, and looks, for all intents and purposes, like a modern-day sketch troop lampooning an ancient porn cheapie. Shot well after the triple X feature had devolved into plotless, generic sports-fucking, Bimbos is that rare treat: a fully serviceable stroke flick that's just as much fun to watch with your pants on.

-Ken McIntyre

Totally radical and outerspacey: Bimbo Cheerleaders intro


  1. I had a dream similar to this...

    porn stars in space and a werewolf thing boning them lol...

  2. My type of junk. After your review I just want to see it more. Bzzzz

  3. "Knobs and switches are provided by black magic marker, and if Captain Bimbo needs some sort of high-tech communication device or interstellar space modulator, she just draws it."

    EPIC!! ^_^


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